Butterfly Whispering

2011-02-03T13:15:00.001+11:00

The way I feel....

2009-10-29T18:54:00.004+11:00

OK So...backdating here...but...

2009-07-29T19:47:00.011+10:00

Update.....

2009-06-03T15:17:00.004+10:00

So it's June the 3rd and life is once again different....I am working now only 2 day's a week but enough to get me by and happy. Also I am studying full-time even though lately I have been a bit slack on that front something that will be changing soon.... So far I have kept my word to myself about my 6 month goal.....I currently have most aspects of my life that I can have under control, under control. I am working, learning...raising my babies and maintaining a lifestyle that I enjoy, with friends and family.....so, so far good....

WOW

2009-03-17T13:04:00.002+11:00

So it has been 6 months since the last time I have been here, I don't know why but I think I once mentioned that even though I can and do think deeply I try to avoid it too much, because it is insane to be so deep all the time...it drains so much mental energy...So in the last six months, yes I have had moments of realisation and very theraputic thoughts, but I haven't felt the need to express them to much, besides verbally. I think the biggest thing is still that my perspective on life and and love and everything that, that all implies is at it's best. I know that life is hard and things will always feel harder than they sometimes are, but I also know that nothing lasts forever so with that out look on life I feel like I can handle just about anything....I have been through amazing amounts of pain in my life and I believe that because of this I will survive.

The reason I am here writing again is because recently as in just last saturday... Something amazing happened and now that the euphoria of it has worn off I am astounded and a little overwhelmed by whats going on and has gone on with my mind. I think I once mentioned how powerful the mind is and yet it never ceases to amaze me that my mind is very adaptable and very layered and extremely powerful. It actually scares me by whats its done, but in a good way.

Now I probably have lost you so I will explain now....

I am not sure if I once mentioned that I have (now had) 9 months of my life that I don't remember, and when I do try to, even now, but much less so, I get these awful flashes of memories. And that in that 9 months I know that I must of functioned because I new things hapened, but with no memory of it, also I must of gone to school because in yr 11 I had some of my best marks ever. I couldn't understand this, how I must of been on auto pilot, I funtioned and worked on the outside, but mentally I was in a black void....

I now know what has happened, its strange and a bit confusing so I will try to put it into words that make sense. I now realise that I did have all these memories from this time, large spots are still there, where I don't remember but isn't that semi normal...(but I believe they will come back, they are already are...hence the reason I am writing....anyway) as I was saying I did have these memories, they were there all along, but somehow I could never place them its as if they weren't in the right time slot, I had placed them after my 9 months of blackness...I could never tell you exactly when so and so happened, because in my mind it was jumbled I didn't have the correct time frame, and even though they felt like they had to be after, it never seemed to fit all in one year or more....So what has now happened to make me understand this, is that I met up with an old friend Biz, She was a very good friend of mine in this 9months (even though I thought it was after, I can't believe that I was able to be coherrent enough to have friends) Anyway she started saying things like do you remember when we first started talking, it was on the oval in school....I told her honestly that I couldn't...then she explained in greateer detail...and all of a sudden I did....then I asked when exactly this happened and she said at the start of year 11, ...Then she went on to say things like ...do u remember this and when we did this....but somewhere in my head something starnge was happening I can't explain it....all of a sudden I had this massive rush of memeories, memories I already new and remebered in detail, all these moments of pain and pleasure and horror...all came back in a big woosh, but what had happened was I realised that everything that I remebered as being after the 9 nmonths was in fact during those 9 months....It had been there all along I hadn't lost my memory I had in fact absorbed and stored them away...I didn't allow myself to process them...It literally felt like two halfs had become a whole...a resounding mind shift that has left me buzzing for the last 4 days....I have been so happy by the fact I actually had the memories all along and now they were all there placed in the proper cronological order in my mind that I haven't even allowed myself to feel them....(different story now though...even though I realise they are in the past and they can't hurt me and that even though they were bad times then I am in the best place mentally ever). Even though I did have the memories all along they have been sketchy at best, there are specific moments that I know extreme details, but thats about it...I also realise that there are periods that are still part of the blackness, but all the memories have started to place themselves in proper order within that 9 month period. I realise now that I had done heroin with Tommy and lived in glebe for 6 of that 9 months, I also got together with david just after slowly coming out of the blackness...(no wander I was so vulnerable to manipulation) Me and Biz and Jess had become best friends in that time, I was out of home...The old man incident and also all my stuff being stolen had happened in that 9 months....So much stuff that I have remebered but could never place...its mindblowing and now scary as well.

I will try and explain what I think has happened. I feel like my mind shut down, I feel that my mind, not only exploded inward, outward and away. It stopped me from processing, it was a shell...mentally I was in a void trying to process what had happened before the explosion, trying to digest all of THAT pain and heart ache, that and my mind blew a fuse because it just couldn't take in any-more, I was so young, so many bad things, to much pain at all one time....So it blocked me from processing any-more for a time, it still allowed me to absorbed what was happening around me, allowed me to function and live...however close to the edge, and stored it all away for a time when I was mentally ready to process it....why now.....but anyway...(i do have a theory).

It just feels so fucking strange at the moment, to know that I do now know what happened in that 9 months and that it was all more horrible than what had originally made my mind do this in the first place, and to know that it happened at a time that I was completely lost.....Incapable of processing it....it was to much.

I felt like I was drowning in a sea of darkness with only tiny horrible flashes of light....My mind was trying to recover and everytime it came even a step forward something else happened to push me back down, NO HOPE....

Today i sat at the park and spent some time trying to piece it together, exactly what had happened, how it had happened and why...this is all I have come up with.....

I was suddenly hit with one of my more horrible moments...I remeber lying on my bedroom floor crying in absolute agony, a pain I could and now can feel in every part of my being....a pain I had blocked....I begging to die, for some-one, any-one, any god, to just take me, to kill me....to stop this pain....I was in agony I was only 16.....I wanted to die, I was suicidal, but just couldn't go through with it.....I wished for people to kill me, I never remembered this, even on recall...but I do now...It has shaken me, but I do feel well enough mentally to have a good perspective on it......

I am expecting more memories and emotions like this to come back now that my last break in my mind has healed. But I feel that my mind know's what it is doing, ( I trust myself that much) that I am ready and willing to now properly process them.....and I believe I am too...What happened this morning was shocking and sad...but I know that I am in a much better place and that regardless I am so much stronger than then....I actually am feeling very sorry for the person...the girl that I was...but not in a self pity way, just in a way that I feel that it was just to much for me to handle....and I broke...and I feel sorry that I was in such a state.

I feel like in some ways, I am a completely different person, and I am, but I mean much more literaly, like I am watching some-one elses experiences, some-one elses pain and anguish....but that I now can feel it all to...like actually feel it...when I had that flash back this morning I was dazed and had tears in my eye's for then though, not now.....I can't believe what I actually went through....so much pain....It no wander I put up walls, no wander that I promised MYSELF that I wouldn't ever let another human being hurt me in any way.....I now know that, that was an unrealistic promise...but it saved then and to a much lesser dgree for many years after. My walls I have realised were not just around my heart but around my mind initially as well....My mind protected it self by doing all this to me.....I feel it is a good sign that my mind is quite in control of itself....That it won't let me hurt myself....It will save me....It has saved me before, as in this incident, it was extremely damaged as it was so on another mind level it just stopped functioning, so as to allow me to heal, before the next onslaught. Thank god it did, because looking back now, if what had happened to me to push me to this, was all it took to break me....then if you added all that had happened after the break at the time would I think have literally sent me insane for absolute life...I am so lucky....as it was u could probably have locked me up at the time....I had already lost it, but it with the perspective i have now it was a strategic move by my own mind......

To tell u the truth I don't know if any of this is actually proven to be possible, though i have heard of similar cases with abuse victims, I was an abuse victim too...no wander....but anyway as i was saying, this is just what I have come to believed has happened.....no matter how disturbing...it happened...and I am in someways very grateful, yet at the same time shocked and saddened by how bad it all really got.....something I never actually grasped before in it's entirity. I have always know things got bad and I was very fucked up...but I now know exactly how and why, and I think thats what is the most disturbing part.....

Anyway been writing for like 2 hours need to eat, catch ya....

Okay

2008-10-26T19:12:00.002+11:00

So mentally I feel I am in a good place right now, I feel that I have the right outlook and also the the right perspective....but I also feel mentally exhausted and at first was confusing that with signs of depression...though I have realised it's not....I just feel that because the last 6 months have been so intense mentally, in other wards mostly mentally orientated then coupled with the fact that in the last 3 months I have been exercising like a demon and now if you had a photo of even 3 months ago I am half the size...but a healthy size ....I am happy with my self image so far...an impressed that I have stuck out the exercise routine I have set and continue to do so....something I have never been able to do before in my life.....

Anyway as I was saying I think because the last 6 months have been so intense ...I have now hit a stage where I can relax a little and start to calm again and I am finding that some days my mind is refreshed and full of ideas, I am inspired and motivated and then others all I want to do is just sit and do nothing and think nothing....because I can...it's like my mind just needs those days of nothingness at the moment so it can recoup...because I am finding that I have a day like that then for about 3 or 4 days afterwards I am full of beans....

At first like I said I was worried that it was a sign of depression but no I am finding more and more that it is just my mind re adjusting to functioning on normal levels and not so deep all the time.....Like I mentioned quite a few times in previous posts that my mind needed to be on such deep levels of thinking because that is where the truth lies in yourself and sometimes in life you have to re-evaluate your positions and your feeling and thoughts something I never realised could be a useful procedure....but I feel that if people did it on a regular basis ...(like every few years) they and their life would be full of so much more honesty and happiness...because you will then find that it doesn't allow you to live in denial for overly long periods of time....and also when I say that I think that it is really easy to fall into a pattern of living in denial because us humans trend to try to find the easy way out of any given situation.....hence the reason we constantly are inventing things that make life simpler and easier.....

I like the fact that not only in the lats 6 months I dealt with everything in my current situation but have also dealt with a few issues in my past...I feel that I am moving onto the next stage or chapter of my life with a clean slate......mentally and emotionally....I am so happy and refreshed
that I am finding it hard to even put into words the way I feel to Ivone and Sergio.....who for all of your information ARE BACK WOOOOHOOO....lol...bout bloody time....
Anyway they are great and I am so happy that they are back in my immediate life....but in some ways i feel that I have past the stages of when I really needed them and am also happy that I went through all that relatively alone....because yes once again it has made me much stronger and also much more self reliant emotionally plus I feel that my confidence levels have sky rocketed and I am feeling so happy in myself something I don't think I have felt since before I did drugs....in some ways I feel like I have come full circle and this time i have the maturity and perspective lessons that i need in order to make the right decisions in life....he he he hopefully....

WE LIVE AND LEARN CONSTANTLY.......

Anyway gonna go me and the kids have some bug at the moment all three of us are sick as dogs....so gonna get them into bed and then I will be following suit.......

Check ya's
xxxx

Heya...

2008-10-13T22:11:00.002+11:00

Well lets just say that I hate the government but appreciate them all the same....lol...Just so much mucking around when it comes to organising benefits from them ...but then I suppose they need to be sure about where their money is going.....
Anyway other than that it has been a long day A* has been just so miserable most of the day ...I half think his coming down with something...or maybe his molars are starting to show...it is that age....will check that asap....
Anyway....mentally feeling really exhausted one minute, then really refreshed the next....to much to think about all at once but as long as I keep doing and not just thinking I will be alright...
I find that when I sit and think about everything that has to be done and everything that could go wrong...it is really overwhelming....I tend to have the problem of thinking about all the what ifs in life, and always be prepared for the worst....people misunderstand that, they think that I am a pessimist because I always try and think of the worst that could happen....but the thing is I don't only just think about the worst ...I think and prepare myself for the eventuality of it....by doing this I feel positive ...because I feel prepared for the worst...also I find that by expecting the worst I am never let down...or things that would normally feel absolutely horrible in my mind could be worse, so there for ...I am usually happy with what life throws at me because things don't usually end up as bad as I imagined....I discovered long ago that I have a wild imagination...lol...
A curse and a cure at the same time....a cure in the sense that, That because of it I can only succeed....*If you can think it you can do it*....type thing....also a curse because sometimes my imagination runs away with me ....and yeah just annoying....but that's just me...lol....

Other than that days feel long...but at the same time are going really fast....I can't wait until Sergio arrives this Sunday morning then Ivone is gonna be here on the Wednesday after so my support will be here in place again...god I miss those two people so much......What I feel like is a couple of days of just nothing....mmmm some time to be just me.....

To just enjoy being free...

I feel like for the last 8 years my life was predictable and I always new what to expect the next week...now I feel like I don't know whats gonna happen from one day to the next....and for some-one that likes to be prepared...this is proving a hard situation to deal with...but I am so like I said ...just gonna do ...and sit and think to much...because the more I think the more I stress....and then the less motivated I feel....then it just becomes a cycle so...what I need to do is just stop it short at the start...before I let myself get to the second level of just thinking......

JUST DO...

Anyway enough I think I am just getting my random thoughts out at the moment...not really posing any theories...just venting....
Talking about theories though.......That one where I mentioned "If you take failure out of the variables in your life ...all that's left to do is succeed...that one I came to sitting at the beach last Monday.....I had written in the sand I am going to do it.....and I was imagining what my perception of failure would be....Well for me it would be.....Not follow my dreams and just claim that life is to hard, ending thinking and believing that life fucked me over...that it owed me something.....Just surviving and not living life to the fullest.....showing my kids that you can just give up in life.....

NO NO NO ......

I want everything the opposite to that...I want to TRY to follow my dreams and goals no matter how hard it is.....I don't care how hard life is or what it throws at me I won't give up...no matter how much I feel that life is just to much...I will never believe that it owes me anything...I owe it....I will never let myself just survive.....unless that is the only option in a crisis situation.....
I want to show my children that no matter the adversity....keep fighting......

That is my success.....and obviously to be a millionaire....lol...but isn't that every body's dream....

anyway its late will catch ya later.....

Notes...talk more later

2008-10-06T21:52:00.002+11:00

If you take failure as an option, out of the variables in life....the only thing left is to succeed...
Also on the 2nd of October 2008...I became a single mother....and I feel FREE.....Now you all know what I was getting at...lol.....Things are going better than I ever expected...but it's only the start...so we will see.....

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION, I CAN ONLY SUCCEED.....

I know...

2008-09-29T12:20:00.002+10:00

Its been a while....allots been happening mentally....I am now 100% certain of my feelings as well as in my decisions.....I have also decided that I can't wait months and months....just not gonna happen.....I am now waiting for myself to either have enough....I give myself weeks....or my supports get here exactly a month .....which will happen sooner, don't know can't tell you...I think I will know the right time though...its not something that I just want to blow up....it's something I want to be rational about.....My mind is doing quite reasonable under the pressure...I have had two bad days in the last week, but surprisingly am keeping it generally together...on some levels I am feeling stronger and much more empowered as an individual and a person....I am also finding that I am respecting myself more, ....and that is different....I am also on the other hand feeling apprehensive, because I don't know how the news will go down with every-one concerned, but they will just have to realise the situation is irreparable, I have tried for way to long and now it's too late.....I have had enough....

In some ways I feel like I need to get the worst parts over and done with, so that we can all just start moving on.....does that sound cold, I don't mean it to....it's just that I feel like I am doing a balancing act on the edge of a cliff, and the thing is I know I have to fall.....it's just a matter of choosing weather to fall or jump....and then knowing that it will hurt either way....and then knowing that you have pick yourself back up and keep going....

I have to be strong...there is no question...no matter how weak I have realised that I will feel sometimes, I have to keep fighting life....keep going and not let myself give in to hardship or fear....I can do what ever I put my mind to as can every-one else....life is life and we just gotta take what get and deal with it.....the joy's......

I am making life sound like it is horrible....it's not, it's hard, it's tough, it's good, it's beautiful and it's precious.....but it was never meant to be easy....but we always have to keep taking the next step.....

Anyway talking about steps...of I go to do some exercise....wooohooo I have lost 5 kilo's in 6 weeks....cheering...to think all I needed to do was exercise....now I feel really strange if i don't.....This is another reason why I think that I am being able to handle things so well it is such a great release of stress ...and I can safely say that I don't have full blown depression...and I owe it to this....so it is definitely something I want to maintain....anyway catch ya's all till next time...will be posting the speech I did at my dads 50th here soon...just gotta find some time....lol...

Life and time....

2008-09-11T21:56:00.003+10:00

Isn't it funny....maybe funny is not the word but amazing how much a year in life can change you so much....Now I Know that not all years do change you and you can have a period of 3 or so years that you barely change at all but you still grow but at a much slower pace until 3 years later you turn around and have a look and realise that geez I am a completely different person or wow I used to look at that differently.....But then you can have a short period of time from say about a year in perspective and you think my god how I have changed and matured....sometimes this change as I have said can be gradual, sometimes it can happen from a series of full on months, or it can be from just a single moment....of realisation or experience....it just astounds me how much effect things like this can have on a person's life....

I had an old friend rock up on my doorstep today and he was reconnecting with old friends....after being rehab for 6 or more months...... Man I new this boy since he was like 7...and watched him grow up with my brother ...he was always straight A until about 3 years ago and got heavily addicted to Coke....anyway, he said that the breaking moment or turning point for him was one night ...the next day he checked himself into a rehab clinic.... and now 8 months later he is the same old guy but a tonne maturer and much more aware of how precious life is.....This is what has made me think about this subject ...and in turn it has made me think about me and my turning points....I have called them points of no return.... I recently only thought I had three.....but I realize there a quite a few more...

The first was January 11th 1999....this was the day I broke....my vase exploded....(will explain at a later date) anyway.....this moment has shaped the rest of my life since......For about 9 months after this I don't remember much at all.....I have fleeting memories of moments....during that time....all not good.....but that 9 months has shaped my whole belief system of my mind .....I had to learn how to laugh again I had to learn how to talk to people again I had to learn that people didn't think that I was an idiot and that I wasn't insane all the time.....I had to rebuild my functioning mind from the very start....At about the 6 month mark I remember a moment of clarity and the realisation that I felt like a new born baby in a grown person body....I felt like I had to regrow in every way...if I was to survive as a functional human being....it was a huge step in my recovery, but at the time felt so small.....
I remember the moment that I felt sane again, which was the the 9 month mark, I was sitting at the Cafe car wash on Victoria road and I was looking at this bird on the fence, I was a having a coffee with Biz, anyway there I was looking at this bird and I remember thinking awww what a cute bird then thinking omg,........usually in my insane madness this would be my thought process, Tina don't look at the bird for to long people will think you weird, then, why would people think I am weird for looking at a bird, then, They would think it strange that you would want to stare at a bird....blah blah blah,......the whole paranoia thing....but this time I was sitting there looking at the bird and nothing no paranoid thoughts......and after that it was very rare that I ever thought like that again....in fact now I do not even let myself go there....As long as I know that I am doing the right thing and I am not intentionally hurting any-one then I am happy and I don't care what other people think of me....... never will I let other peoples opinions shape my actions...... It's my life and that's it....though in saying that I do try hard to take into consideration how my actions, thoughts and words will affect others....but I make a conscious choice to take that into consideration based on my beliefs and values and not because I am worried about what they will think of me.....

The second I will write later.....not creating suspense here intentionally....lol...just tired so will do it tomorrow.....

HERE....

Mind Layers expanded

2008-09-08T20:50:00.005+10:00

Ok so recently I spoke about mind layers and I would like to elaborate on this subject, into a related subject.....The mind as we all know is a complex many layered multi talented "thing"....

When I try and picture what the mind is, all I can get is this massive mass that floats around with us....lol....obviously that is not the way it is but because of the power the mind has it seems like a massive and huge "thing"....But in reality it is part of us and is what makes us function....in every way, it controls our personalities...(though that's to be debated at a later date), also it makes our physical being function accordingly and appropriately, it allows us to feel and think and be productive with everything it controls...which is I suppose is also our will ...now weather the heart or mind controls this aspect of our being's, is part of the debate that I will touch on at a later date.....anyway the reason I am writing this post is because earlier I spoke about mind layers in regards to core beliefs....but this time I want to talk about a separate set of layers....yes separate......told you the mind was complex.....anyway, what I want to discuss is 3 layers that run simultaneously and they make up our emotion process, well mine anyway.....lately with everything that's been going on I am finding that I am switching between the three and it's a little bit disconcerting to say the least, because usually they follow this pattern,
One ........emotion, feelings, random thoughts...(red)...then comes the analysis and reflection of these...(blue)....then comes the reasoning, rationalisation and perspective...(Green)......this thought process usually works quite efficiently and I think that most people function on this with out even being aware of it....but since my break down 8/9 years ago I learnt how I work and this is one of the things I learnt and have used since....I have used paint again so that it can help you visualise what I mean....

Lately though and this is why I am bringing this up, I have had to think about this again, and try and get it back under control....I have been jumping between the three so that my moods are governed by each layer.....I am not just following the pattern but going back and forth so that I can't get to and stay on the third layer...(green) for long enough to be able to gain perspective or even try and stay focused on my reasoning.....this is very annoying to say the least.....I also am aware that this can happen sometimes in life but it's frustrating, because right now I need to be able to get to that green level and stay there......because I am finding myself feeling lost in this situation.....and that's not on....I have allot to do and to think about and these feelings and thoughts are distracting, even though I knew they were going to be part of the bargain...But the problem is coming in where I know what I have to do and where I have to get to, and also whats involved, all of it....but I don't think I took into consideration how taxing my emotions were going to be.....

I am finding that my emotions and feelings are ruling me right now and that is not good because I don't have time for this shit......my analysis of these thought and feelings is even more consuming and I am at least gaining some ground there....but I am finding that I can't gain the perspective that I need to keep going......I don't think that I have enough time with my thoughts to be able to do this....I think I need to get away from this for a while, soon, and be by myself for more than an hour.....every time I get to the green I get distracted and then bam new emotions hit and then it starts all over again.....so yes I think I need to get away, the question is how and when.....I know that I will be going to the gym allot soon maybe that might be enough for now.....a few hours alone might be all I need.....though a weekend would be great...mmmmm thinking......So this is another area and complexity of the mind that you must take into consideration if you are wanting to explore yourself.....lol...that didn't sound right....oh well deal with it....lmao...

Ok so in saying all of this I realise that you are probably thinking, what is she basing this all on..... I will tell you "me" that's what.....I have no evidence to support any of my theories, I don't know the exact terminology for anything that I have touched on in any of my posts.....so in essence I could be full of crap...and be completely back ward......

But I never said that I was going to give factual evidence or proof, I did say that this blog is about me and my musings, my thought's and for my mind.......so I am basing everything I write about, on myself and everything I have been through.....especially the period of my life when I broke down completely and I had to regrow my mind or rebuild myself from scratch in other wards..... I learnt allot about life, the mind, myself and how I work...... I learnt how be me and be aware of it all because before then, I just was....now I am me with a purpose, with the knowledge of how to be me......not many people get there you know....I have had two counselors tell me that it is an extraordinary gift or ability to be able to rationalise on such deep levels......I suppose I agree in a way, but it is and can be extremely draining.....especially when you have allot of other shit going on, that you have to be able to think about...... Though when I don't I don't usually get this deep, I like to keep things neutral and easy generally and only get deep and meaningful when I am in the mood.....and I am not in the mood......but I am in a stage of life where I have to because I can and I know I need too..... I am in a sense rebuilding my thought beliefs and processes so that I am can be fully independent on myself for everything again.....aaaahhhh that felt good a moment of clarity and bingo I have some perspective...wooohoo....sorry I needed that thought really badly.....it's what I have been trying to identify with since yesterday....all good....

Sorry about that....lol...now I lost hat I was saying because that thought has just opened up some more....so I might get going.....because I have realised that I am rambling a bit.....so check ya's out ...enjoy this thought people....because it's driving me insane at the moment....lol...jk's...

Bye

Ok so yes

2008-09-06T08:29:00.002+10:00

Today is better but the weather is absolutely miserable....
I wonder is it possible to have two different dreams simultaneously well I think I did, very strange ...lately I have been remembering my dreams and I don;t do that not unless I have a full on night mare...which is extremely rare....but lately on 6 different occasions in the last 2 months......I have remembered these particular dreams and they are not nightmares and....yes they are quite disturbing.....I suppose in a good way...but what....lol....anyway so today I am going to immerse myself into some serious scrapping ....I have to.....got stuff to a deadline to do.....lol

Ok gonna go now catch ya...

2008-09-06T00:48:00.000+10:00

Just got to block..........again.......

Reality Hits......

2008-09-05T23:22:00.003+10:00

Ok, so before I go on, I am just gonna say that I acknowledge that I have made my decisions, I am accepting of them, I realise that the decisions I have made are not easy ones and that to follow through on them, is going to be very hard and tough.....I AM NOT NAIVE, I know that I will have down periods and up times and that some days will be worse than others. I also am now happy about the fact that I have followed my heart......but I am still currently living a lie and that is what is getting to me right now..... I went out with my cousin Danielle tonight, just got home actually.....Lets just say that I was in a really wild mood....AND I realised that all I felt like being was careless I didn't give a fuck......there I am even swearing in this blog and I have tried to avoid that so far.....anyway....I realised why I wanted to be careless and that's because all day everyday I have to be focused and on top of things otherwise I will give to much away.....That is not on ....anyway so tonight was the first time that I have realised the full reality of the next year .......and I am hating it....I just want out...now......I wanna be free now....I don't know how I am gonna do this for so long....I just wish that I had some-one to say it will be alright, that's all, I always feel like I have to be the strong one...why, I don't know ....I think because people always turn to me when they have trouble ...I don't mind at all...but when I am in trouble who do I turn to....myself.......yeah I do that already...but sometimes.......it's not enough...

I hate feeling like, I am closed in by a situation and I can't escape.....(just so you know these are feeling's and I have already rationalised with myself and I know that I can do this and be fine....but I am still allowed to feel....) GGGOOOOODDDDDD......I am feeling so frustrated by my circumstances why what where ....ggggrrrr....I just wanna be there now and not have live through the next year.....I know there will be a hell of allot of positives ...my grandparents visit... H will be away for most of the next 6 months through work..... Sergio is coming back....Ivone ...Danielle...scrapbooking, art...my babies....holiday....I can do this and I know I can.....

You know I haven't cried for over four years....Even with all the shit that happened in my family 3 years ago ... I want to cry but I feel like I have forgotten and I don't know how or that if I start I won't be able to stop..... in a sense it makes me feel like I am cold hearted, but that's not it, I feel it all, my heart aches for other people's pain, I even get the tears in my eyes but I just can't cry..... whats wrong with me....I keep it all and only share little bits...I have serious trust issues I think....on one hand I tend to be to trusting in regards to talking about situations....but when it comes to talking about how I am feeling and my deep feelings....no way man I feel to exposed ....I don't want any-one using those against me, there mine.... I think I have two people who I can trust with my deepest thoughts and feelings and that's my brother....( cheers 2 u Serg) your a legend......and Ivone of course....(my angel in disguise)...but there both not here and won't be for months.....help....

Another problem is I keep wanting to have a drink....mmmmm...not a good sign...don't worry using self control here...lol.....the last thing I need is alcohol as an escape but it is definitely and I am being honest here ...becoming very tempting....but, all I have to do is think of the kids and yes that stops me short....so I am using you my poor little blog....and my new art and as always scrap booking as a healthy escape......

I wish............

I won't go there with that one....tooo personal....but yeah....

When will I have enough..... when will it be too much???????????????????????....where's my limit for this????????? when will I crack.....I wonder will I crack....again....is it possible to be that completely broken twice in your life and be able to bring yourself back, twice.....I did it the first time and it has made me who I am today but ........ again?????

I think my mind needs to rest I'm getting to thoughtful..... There is no need to be thinking this shit.....I guess this is a bad day.....lol.....oh well tomorrow will be better.....aaarrrggg the weekend....

*sigh*

Progress

2008-09-05T07:35:00.005+10:00

Well I have a progress update...check it....

So as you can see have added some detail and it's looking much better ...the swirls on the side I may redo because I had already had a couple of drinks so wasn't really focused properly on it.....loving the tones coming out from behind the tree...

Anyway had Jess over last night was great to have her here....we had a few drinks celebrating the top 50 ...wooohoo...what a great excuse for a drink...he he he...also did some business talk....lol....

So that so far is my news for this early time in the morning oh and I have been tagged twice by Anthea ansd Suse, apparently this is really good.....great exposure for blog and all....lol...see I am completely new to world of blogging....but still loving it...

anyway catch ya's

AAAARRRGGGHHHHH......YES

2008-09-04T09:22:00.001+10:00

I just got the call.......I'm in the top 50...wooohooo.....yeah baby......wow...

Update.....

2008-09-04T08:40:00.005+10:00

Here are some shots of the progress I am making on the piece....lol...I can't put any other name to it....but it is coming together slowly....now the green on this is the base that will show through some cracks....I am going to be using crackle medium on it so this is just the underbelly....lol...

But the path is almosty done, the bottom piece isn't painted and not joined because other wise little kiddies will get there grubby little hands on it....no way man....lol.....thats ounded horrible...I meant literally grubby ....lol

So these are just a few shots I have decided to upload the bulk into a facebook album...one more publicity and the upload tool is quicker and easier so....this will be a back up potfolio in a sense....lol....

Hope you enjoy....

Mind Layers.....

2008-09-03T20:42:00.003+10:00

As you can see this blog so far has touched on all areas of me...from the mundane to the deep...

Well lately I have been keeping it as a vent but I want to go back to a subject I touched on earlier, in one of my earlier post...Mind layers.....

I had to think about this and how I wanted to describe this or how I would make this concept visual in a sense.....ok so a while back me and Ivone talked about core beliefs and we ended drawing a visual aid that would help us understand how our mind or core beliefs function within our mind so that they influence all our decisions and thoughts.....I believe that this would be the best way to describe the concept of mind layers....

We drew this image on a piece of paper so I haven't actually got the original, but I quickly threw one together using paint.....

Ok so here I have used the example of the core belief "That I am not good enough"......just so you know that yes this was something that I once believed many many years ago but have unconsciously changed this around....even though when I did that I had no idea about core beliefs....only discovered that they existed about two years ago....he he he....

Anyway I am just using this as an example because it is the easiest to explain....Ok so as you can see we have layers of conscious thought and unconscious thought that run almost together and all happen within split seconds, but can take much longer to sink in.....

So I will start with the core and then go from there....ok so the core belief I am not good enough comes from something that is learned through an experience or continuous treatment towards yourself....they can start to develop from the moment you start to consciously remember or think....or they can like I said come about later in life due to a major incident, something that hurts deep down and effects you psyche.....These core beliefs are what drives our thought patterns and makes us believe and behave in certain ways.... they are what controls what our personalities become if you let them....now just for clarification not all core beliefs are bad...most definitely not,.....anyway...so like I was saying they drive us to do what we do in life......

So I am going to talk about two different situations and explain how this core belief will work with each of them....

First I will start of by talking about how this core belief will make you believe that something good didn't just happen to you because you deserved it through hard work or perseverance....but will make you believe that it was a fluke or maybe you just got lucky for a change......

Ok so say you get a promotion at work.....first you feel happy and excited you are amazed and shocked that something this good could happen to you....this is the outer layer...your emotions.... Then you think about what's just happened, your automated thought response is ...there must be some mistake, or are they sure they have picked the right person or oh I don't think I will be able to do this....these are just a few that will support your belief but not consciously..... So you start you job in your new position and you accidentally stuff up some files or make a mistake with something.....you start to think "see they did have the wrong person", or I knew they made a mistake what were they thinking putting me in this position.....I knew I wasn't good enough....this is the third layer, the layer that confirms your belief in your mind so that unconsciously you believe and continue to believe that you are not good enough......

Instead of thinking that mistakes happen you are only learning and next time you will get it right, or that it's just one of those days oh well next time I know I can do it......you continue to believe that they have the wrong person for the job or that there was some mistake...

Next example is something bad happens , like you break up with your boyfriend....your emotions are hurt, angry sad and lonely.....your automated thought responses are why would he do this, what did I do, what have I done wrong......then you start thinking I knew I wasn't good enough for him, I knew I shouldn't done or said that and then it's the whole thing of blaming yourself..... So you have already reached layer 3 by this point and this all confirms the belief that you weren't good enough.....

Instead you should be thinking what happened in general.....and yes if you have or did do something wrong think, acknowledge this but recognise that you are only human and can make mistakes....also realise that maybe he wasn't good enough for you and he just couldn't handle it....lol....also, accept what happened, as these things do happen in life and move on but remember that and if you did do something wrong ...to try not to do it again.....

Now I understand that this little example is really summarised, and that the whole process of breaking up with some-one is something that can scar you for life but it depends on what your core beliefs are that will effect how or how much.....so don't think I am being insensitive here...it's just I talking about something else here right now....lol....

ok so as you can see this core belief will work any situation to confirm itself....whether good or bad.....this in effect can be your biggest downfall in life.....and this is only one core belief that is actually quite common in people....anyway so in saying all this ...not every-one can grasp the idea of core beliefs or even comprehend that they exist.....Some can but will not or cannot figure whats theirs are...and personally I only know a few of mine...luckily the ones I do know about I am conscious of and can change my thought pattern before it confirms the belief thereby eventually changing the belief itself.....this process can take years or happen in a heart beat...it just depends on you.....and what the belief was. To be able to do this is not easy and can be tiring so if you are of sound mind then this whole concept is best experimented then, not when you are in doubt about yourself your your strength.....because sadly reality hurts as does the truth, so if your are prepared to be absolutely honest with yourself then try exploring this whole concept within yourself....you will be surprised at what you find.......

Good luck.....

ok so...

2008-09-03T19:02:00.003+10:00

I feel like I have reconciled a few things in my life today so am happy about that....I am thinking of calling the piece I am working on at the moment, something along the lines of "path to discovery" or "Life's Journey".....or "A well beaten track"....or just "Life"....but I cannot choose yet because will have to wait until the end to see what fits best.....I have done allot more on the piece today so been very productive....though I am finding myself already planning other ones....lol...getting ahead of myself here...so better just slow it up and work on this one first.....I am loving it...I have my ipod blasting in my ears and dancing away while working....obviously the kiddies are sleeping when I am completely submerged in mess...lol...but wow I feel like I am back in Art class with this art teacher from school and I can't remember her name, spewing....but she used to blare the music while we painted.....what great times they were......

Anyway....other than that.....still focused which is really good I feel like I have plateaued (what a hard word to write...had to spell check that one....lol) anyway that....I feel like I have definitely reached a level of acceptance in regards to my life and my decisions.....and am feeling empowered by the fact that I am following my dreams and following my heart and mind.....instead of living in denial for the rest of my life......I am feeling good..

Man..... Rihanna has this new song out called Distrurbia....wow awesome song....really hit home and probably could of used it like a month ago....lol...but now it's just great to listen too.....
Also love that new song by Pink called "So What":......love the whole attitude..man......though I can see where she is at and, she's in very destructive stage of life.....been there done that.....you know the whole who gives a shit about anything anymore stage......lol...yes I remember that stage....I will admit that it had it's high lights but ultimately not good for the nervous system....he he he....

Anyway gotta go and get dinner plated up.....
Check ya.....

Sneak Preview

2008-09-02T21:51:00.006+10:00

So I took some photo's of my tree...and it is just feeling and looking great...loving the effect that newspaper and metal have together.....

This is the full version and it's still not done...the lighter bits are the parts that are still drying.....and haven't been painted yet...

Ok so this is a close up...of the finished effect with paint.....

Hope you like....

2008-09-01T15:45:00.002+10:00

How does news paper and metal washers sound...interesting!!!!...Yeah well it looks interesting...he he he....I don't know if I will put photo's on this one...I am thinking Paper manipulation.....even more interesting.....mmmm yeah that's what I was thinking...
Got to remember that whole thing of not letting the paint brushes dry in between uses...lol...The joys...

So just doing some rounds and thought I would pop in and give away a few hints...he he he...
Check ya

Woohoo

2008-09-01T13:30:00.003+10:00

So I have my canvases and enough stuff to get started with....lol...I will add photo's a bit later in the process...but I just couldn't wait so now the fun part starts.....getting down right messy ...he he he....don't be surprised if I am covered in paint and bits of paper and god knows what else for the next month....he he he
Check ya off to start this....

Hey....

2008-08-31T22:17:00.002+10:00

LOL...I feel like I am talking to a friend when I write in here ....oh well it feels good to be able to put stuff down and get it out.....which I only found out recently.....ok so now i know why people keep diaries....i just never had faith in dairies because people always ended up reading them....and I know that I am able to talk generally enough to not give to much away but still get my message across...so that's why I like his blog....anyway...was talking to Serg....woohoo and got some great support from him...which i knew I would...was just a matter of getting enough time to talk properly....so yeah that was refreshing...also told him about this idea I have had and he thinks it's great...so this week I am gonna go out and get some canvases.....and start this....I can't wait I have all these really cool ideas....and I have the newest ranges of Basic Grey coming this week so will be able to get really creative on all fronts....also hopefully my cuttle bug comes this week...extra texture all good...also another order of stuff I put through last week should be here tomorrow....I so can't wait....I am going to need a tonne of paper mache....might get onto that first thing tomorrow so that it's all dry by the time I start....I think I have enough decoupage and sealant for now....but will definitely need more....and lots of canvases........

Anyway on another note I did some deep soul searching today and have made even more decisions...though I still don't know if they were right, but I hate having to go back and forth between options...I like to make the choice and follow through on it....though this choice was extremely hard because it's not something I want to gamble with....it's to precious....lol....who ever reads this will have about a million assumptions....about what the hell I am on about...that's ok though....just as long as I know what I am talking about that's all that matters....he he he...

Anyway yes I still might change my mind but yeah I don't know will have to see how things go....anyway life is the way it is so I am just going to do what I can with it.....

Wow...what a full on time ....full of coincidences, realisations and decisions....just wow...I am so glad that I have been through harder times than this, otherwise I think I wouldn't have had the pespective to keep it together.....just too much happening all at once.....

OK so will be back and forthing with the new sponsor tomorrow planning some ways of bringing her in on the site....lets just say I am interested because she is full of ideas and Anthea another really great girl will be in on this one.....so that will be fun....he he he...

Ok blabbed enough about nthing really.....just not that tired tonight....is it a full moon.....

bye

awww...

2008-08-31T09:11:00.002+10:00

I found out last night that Sergio will not be doing Everest because of some severe weather conditions......oh well it's a good thing that they take this into consideration.....He is spewing because he has to go back to Nepal for another 2 weeks....he says that it was a great experience but 3 months is enough and he is sick of the disease and the really basic food and he says he feels weak from not enough nutrients....man I give it to him....
ALSO he won't be back now until the 10th of November.....god damn man....I want my brother back.... but that's being awfully selfish isn't it....so what I am allowed to rant....lol...Now I am being just a tad bit petulant....lmao...ok so I am going to get off this thread other wise I just keep analysing every thought...lol....What a way to go insane....

So what a miserable day....all grey and cold and rainy...the kids are going berserk....and I don't have the patience for it today....all I want to do it curl up in bed and sleep..... I wish I could do that for just one day....I forget what it feels like to spend a day in bed and enjoy watching movies or just relaxing ...no need to get up unless I want something to eat or go to the loo.......oooohhh now I do remember and it's even worse....ggggrr...lol

So now I am gonna change the subject...lol...Otherwise, I will do it and you could call docs on me, because I would be neglecting the little ones....lol....
So that idea that I was talking about yesterday is really working itself out in my mind...so I am very excited...I know that Serg has some interesting photo's of night life in the city....plus some very different ones of the beach at night...so will have get those and have a browse....also I am planning to spend next weekend drivng around taking some different shots of "life".....Poor people won't know what hit them....yes I will be asking people to let me take photo's of them depending on what I feel I need........Look out Sydney...he he he....

Anyway might see if Jess feels up for a drive...she has an interesting perspective and I think she would be very productive with some ideas...but then again maybe I should just do it for myself and enjoy some me time....mmmm...I will see how I feel...
Talking about Jess she is coming over tuesday...will need to grab some drinks....don't forget Tina....lol....Yes thats right I talk to myself ....I will admit it...I have no shame in that...lol....

Anyway gonna go.....bye

Well....

2008-08-30T18:10:00.004+10:00

There I was sitting at the bus stop in Parramatta, having a coffee and ciggi, waiting to get my nails done....and I look at the the lights which had just turned green for the pedestrians....and an idea hits me BAM.....
First I thought wow what an awesome shot that would be people walking across the crossing going in all opposite directions....how symbolic....Then I thought how I could I scrap that....but thought I could scrap it but what a concept it is ...and I would like to do something on a larger scale, like canvases with photo's and lots of textures and paint and stuff, then I started thinking about what I would title that and how I would theme it...and I started thinking People walk, yeah....could work with that and create a whole thing like people walk, people talk, people eat, people love....and so on and maybe I will do that soon....
then I moved onto thinking about Sydney and doing a series of canvases incorporating shots of the Sydney that's not advertised and promoted, like a beggar sleeping on a bench, the people crossing at the lights, the old building's and architecture...and so on....also something I would like to eventually do......but then I thought about my life and everything that's going on in it so...I decided to use some of the concepts and life lessons that I have been writing about....and try and incorporate them in to the works.... Then walking to the nail place I decided to carry the name life flutter's through out it and it fits all so well.....ooohhhh I am so excited....
So I have decided that this is definitely something that I would love to do, it feels like this idea is calling to me ...I feel like I need to do this.....so you know what I will.....

So first things first get out there and take some photo's....secondly source some places that can print the images onto different sized canvases at a reasonable price....then comes the really fun part putting it altogether in a massive dimensional piece and getting messy with it..... I can't wait.....

Yeah baby....I will do all three of these and then I might get Jess and Serg in on this part and hold a gallery auction or gallery display....maybe make quite a bit out of this....mmmmmm thinking....thinking.......

ok so...

2008-08-29T16:05:00.003+10:00

I am so feeling on top of things and I know that this is not just a mood....lol..I have tested my self the last few days and am feeling great...anyway...I managed to land another sponsor for the site so am feeling tops about that....I know that their are two others in the works and that's even better....
I feel like I have been neglecting this poor little blog...lol...But haven't felt the need to express to much at the moment.....
Well as I write my poor bro is doing Everest and I must say that I am so impressed and proud of that guy...he really is out there to discover his limits in life....

It's funny how we all discover our limits differently....
Me, I know myself inside and out, I know how I work I know what makes me tick, I know my limits.....and I learnt it all in a very hard way.....I think that once you have hit the bottom the only way is up, and in the end you can only rely on yourself to do whats right by you..... Like I mentioned on my belief list ...we all have a choice in the way we feel, think, say and do....and if you can get one step ahead of yourself ...you will always have that perspective to do what you think is right.....
The problem comes in when you are hit with unexpected events and then all you can do is feel....it takes time to rationalise and think everything through....then comes the decision making.....but that's not the end you have to become or be strong in the decision's you make or have made, otherwise you will lose faith in yourself and your confidence will ebb.....but once you have passed all of these things you will grow....as I have and continue to do....

I have recently been through one of these periods in life...a transition phase where ultimately I have made life altering decision's and through out this period I was more vulnerable than I thought....but I believed and continue to believe that, and only because I have been at rock bottom before, that I can handle anything.....if I set my mind to it...so this is what I am doing...and now that I am strong again in myself and the choices I have made and have reached a level of acceptance in myself and my decisions I feel that I am ready......

So like I said bring it on world....lol...

So I met up with a very dear friend last week and it was great to catch up with her.....She has some serious shit going on in her life, and I thought my life was complicated....poor thing I really missed her a great deal....and I am glad that I can be there for her in a time when she really needs a friend....

So anyway I will jump off got some scrapping to a dead line to do...so will catch ya later....

And Quote...

2008-08-27T20:36:00.002+10:00

"Life is a series of moments that we create"

Chris Angel

Some things I believe...

2008-08-27T16:13:00.004+10:00

I believe that there is life on other planets...or galaxies
I believe that today is the first day of the rest of your life...
I believe that life is full of opportunities for good and bad ...it's just a matter of which you take....
I believe that you have a choice in everything you feel, think, say or do....
I believe that you are never truly alone...
I believe that Love is rare when it is between a man and a woman....
I believe that if you find love you should never ignore it...
I believe that a man should chase the woman...I suppose I am a traditionalist....
I believe that in life you should never give up no matter how hard....
I believe that life was never meant to be easy....
I believe you have to work hard for what you want....
I believe that adversity won't just build character it will reveal it....
I believe that every-one has some good in them....
I believe that you can't choose your family but you can certainly choose your friends...
I believe every-one has a right to there own opinions....
I believe that people shouldn't force there opinions and beliefs onto others...
I believe that every-one and everything has rights...
I believe that patience is a virtue...
I believe that persistence is the key...
I believe you should fight for what you believe is right....
I believe that you only get one life and you should make the most of it while you can....
I believe that children are innocent...
I believe that children are precious....
I believe that children are our future, so we should help them make the best decisions for their own personal growth and also the planets...
I believe that we as adults set examples that kids will follow ...good and bad...
I believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder...
I believe that compassion and understanding is the key to peace on earth...
I believe that you should always put yourself in another's persons shoes before you pass judgements...
I believe that first impressions last no matter if it is right or wrong, it's just the way we work as humans...
I believe that animals have will, they just have to be encouraged to use it.....
I believe that time is all one continuous thing, but us humans feel the need to sector it off in days, weeks months and years because we crave uniformity or order....
I believe every-one flourishes under routine no matter how strict or loose it is....we all have our little ways...
I believe that the world would be a very boring place if we were all the same or did the same thing...
I believe you should always follow your dreams ....there is always a way....

These are just a few...lol...I had a quick look at the length and thought shit better get off this thing....and I suppose I had better cook some dinner...lol....

Blah...ha ha ha

2008-08-27T06:48:00.002+10:00

Ok so I have woken up feeling great.....lol.....I don't know what I was thinking...the last few days have been intense mentally and I think combined with that plus having the monthly visitor...and being sick and just generally tired all added to my mood yesterday....Depression...blah...no way man I know I have a good support frame in my mind at the moment what was I thinking...lol...ok yes very down...the downest I have been in a while...so will need to keep an eye out for that...but nah I feel really good today and I feel like I could take on the world....so bring it on....

Anyway ...I have some new thoughts I want to write down, but that will have to wait need to do my rounds...will be back soon....

Well...

2008-08-26T21:11:00.003+10:00

What a day....not much happened except my parents came back...good because I really missed them and Ivone is now allowed to talk again....wooohooo....but she still won't be back for a month....My poor dear brother is freaking out because he will start his climb to base camp Everest this week-end....and all I want to do is give him a big hug and tell him everything will be alright.....but I can't because he's there and I am here....aaaawww...I feel sad now I really can't wait to have him back in OZ....only 7 weeks.....only...mmmmm....

Other than that my mind has been roller coasting again....one moment I am fully confident then the next I am freaking out...yes I know early signs of depression for me...but that's fine I have a plan A and plan B in built in myself to combat any signs of depression having dealt with it so often....so plan A distraction....do relaxing and uplifting things, think about the exact reasons that are making me feel down and deal with them......though I am finding the confusion on various subjects hard to deal with at the moment......Plan B....let the mood run it's course and if it takes more than 2 weeks to disappear then seek help from any-one.....lol.....Ok so yeah...I don't think I am there yet, though I hate feeling as if I just don't know what the next day is going to bring....I hate waiting for the next "mood" to hit, and I am not talking about my own.....ggggrrrr....
anyway....just gotta ignore the shit.....and keep going....

I scrapped today I did a lay-out in like 2 hours that's pretty good....It is using a birthday shot of Cody that I love and it's just so cute I think the design of the lay-out is a very simple one and I could of had it done quicker if I didn't have to wait for things to dry...but all good....anyway now I feel like I am talking to myself so I am gonna go...because otherwise I will never get off this comp.....

Ok so the past.....

2008-08-26T07:29:00.005+10:00

Ok so yesterday I posted a question about why I let memories get to me....and thinking about that answer I came t o this.....

Your past is a part of you for better or worse...your past is what has made you who are today...it all effects you for better or worse, but the choice comes in where you have to decide to change what has happened into a good or bad influence in your life....I have made the choice long ago that everything that has ever happened in my life I was going to turn into a good or helpful lessons....try and turn it all around and make a conscious effort to believe that everything bad that has ever happened to me, has happened for a reason and that in the end it has all made me a stronger person...this has worked....it has definitely made me a stronger person...but some-days and they are few and far between now, the actual horribleness of each and every individual memory is relived or re-remembered ....with-out the silver lining.....and if your not careful they can swallow up your will..... I am more prone to these days if I am stressed or just generally not feeling good about myself....I have noticed...so now I will try and remember that on these days distraction is the best key....

I also want to touch on a related subject ...it just astounds me how powerful your memories are....I know that in my life there is allot that I consciously suppressed and there's even more that my mind did all on it's own....The stuff that I consciously suppressed I have let loose quite a few years ago when I had a year and half of consoling, this was the best thing that I have ever done for myself....the clarity, the maturity, the lessons that were formed in that time has shaped and amazed me beyond anything that I could put into words.....
Now the stuff that my mind unconsciously suppressed is a different story this stuff doesn't come back just because I willing to remember it or because I am ready to deal with what ever it is.....this stuff comes back when ever it feels like....It's like this stuff waits until you've reached and removed certain road blocks in your life or mind and then decides that it feels you are ready to handle it .....So in effect you could be perfectly content and then BAM some memory plays itself out in your mind. This is and can cause quite a shock to the system...but I must say that this has never happened when I couldn't handle it or wasn't prepared to deal with it, I have never found that I couldn't deal with it....so maybe my mind is allot more deeper than even I could possibly try and imagine......

WOW UNRELATED - THOUGHT/MIND LAYERS......,..

It does take me a while though, first I acknowledge that these things happened otherwise how could I remember it...then in a process that can take anywhere from an hour to even months...I think about these relevations and then anylise them ...then once I am in a sense over it ...I either decide to use it or not....in the sense of, are they really relevent to my life at the present and can I learn from it...or is it really not that important, and trying to deal with it outwardly may cause more damage than good......
So anyway these are just a few of my musings on this subject, there is alot more but for now this will suffice in my mind....to answer that Question...about why people and memories are able to affect me so badly.......

gotta take Cody to pre-school...catch ya

Hey....

2008-08-25T22:10:00.002+10:00

Ok so I have calmed down now....he he he.....but have thought of something else that I want to write about......

Good ...Right and wrong... bad..

Do you think that these four things are the same in the sense that Good and right are the same thing and Bad and wrong are the same.....???

Well I don't. I think that each of these things is different.....especially when you apply them to the choices you make in life.....I have always said that people should do what's right for them selves or stay true to themselves....but recently having a discussion about this I came to realize that that is not necessarily the right thing to do...because if you apply that to some-one who is not mentally stable or sane...and they think that doing right by themselves means they have to kill their parents or something...then wheres the logic....so I think that in changing that belief to always do what you think is good and right by yourself and other people would be a more accurate and productive....

I think that good and bad are things that people take into consideration before they make decisions and I also think that right and wrong are more out-comes of decision making....but then again if you switch that around it can also work.....

But the whole point is that they completely different things....
anyway enough on that subject.....just was thinking about it, is all....

Why ????

2008-08-25T15:48:00.003+10:00

Why do I feel so in control and confident of myself and my decision's one day then the next I feel like I'm about to lose grip on everythig that I have worked so hard to achieve...why do I let people and memories get to me ......????? Why am I even feeling like this and why ...does it matter any-more....why why why....I feel like I need to dance.....

Ok I need to vent.....

2008-08-25T15:33:00.002+10:00

Why????
Why do people say things that they don't mean....why do people say that they care, and then act like they don't ....why do people ACT like they are interested when they are not.....and why do people hurt you and then say sorry ....but do it all over again......Why do people do this to other people is it because they are so selfish that they can't even try and think about what their actions will do to others....don't they know that you can talk the talk...but you have to be able to walk the talk too.....Are these actions derived from a constant need to show that they have power over some one else in any shape or form....and do they feel that by saying things that are untrue and by constantly lying that people will always believe them......haven't they heard the boy who cried wolf story......Do they feel insecure in themselves but feel that by being mean makes them feel stronger....or more in control.........god why take it out on other people.....

But what I really should be asking WHY I let these people get to me........

" Does a person make you angry
or do you let them make you angry"
John Rebelo....thanx dad

This says alot at the moment

2008-08-25T14:33:00.003+10:00

Sometimes I feel like a rose that grew from concrete.....

Poetic Reasoning

2008-08-24T21:35:00.003+10:00

Poetic reasoning is what you do when you, work out a problem with a quote...or should I say not so much as work out a problem, but identify a struggle in life with a quote or poem, and in effect use that quote/poem to work through it......This is a hard concept to explain so forgive me if I word something wrong....but I will try and explain it from an example....

When I was younger around 16/17 I had allot of crap going on in my life....I found that people I spoke to were constantly throwing quotes at me...things like "Always expect the unexpected" and "Have faith in yourself and everything you do"....These are two that have stuck.....there were plenty more....but what ended up happening, was that I used these quotes and analogies to build a belief system.....yes and we are now going back to a topic I touched on in my first post....my base of knowledge and beliefs, that enables me and also other people to feel secure in themselves....but still allows me to expand and grow....
Though right now this post seems to be about me so I will do it that way,....just know that other people have it...I know this because I have spoken about this with a few people...and anyway everybody has a favourite quote......

Anyway I have quite a few quotes, and beliefs that derive from those, that enables me to function as a sane human being....well relatively sane....lol...I use these quotes as a belief system to help me make the right choices and decisions in life....but there is also quotes that allow me to make mistakes...but to always remember to "learn from everything you do"...this is one in particular that allows it...." you gotta make choices be wrong or right, take responsibility for those choices whether the consequences are good or bad" This is a hard quote to live by because we all make stupid and even down right wrong decisions in our lives, but because of this quote and others, I have learned that the best way to be, is honest with your self and other's....to always accept that you have done something wrong, when you have and then do your best to fix it....Even though the easy way out would be to ignore, deny and just not accept, that you may be in the wrong...that is very easy to do....but not right.....

There are quotes that inspire me to be all I can be.....such as " If you can think it ...you can do it" also "Never give up" "Never stop trying...there is always a way"....these are the few that I can think of...off the top of my head...but they are quotes that drive me to do my best in any situation or project....

There are quotes that help me when I are feeling completely and utterly depressed and down, and that I use to help me out of tough times....like.."Adversity doesn't just build character, it reveals it" and " Life is not about how or why you fall....but how we are able to pick ourselves up after every time"...and recently some-one I know mentioned a quote that also fits in this category and I really felt it hit home...."You won't win every time, but if you don't fight you will always lose"....Also another one I recently discovered off somebody on Facebook..."Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”

These are just some .....that help me get through tough moments....but remembering that this whole concept is all good and well to work with, but you have to have the will and drive to use it ....and also you have to take into consideration what types of quotes, people choose to live by, this is a huge thing....because not all quotes are good and helpful.....some can be destructive and just down right wrong.....so then you also have to take the variable of a persons personality and work it into this whole equation....maybe....this whole thing is just a sole belief of mine and I shouldn't encourage this....oh well it has taken me ages to write this up so too bad we are all stuck with this bizarre thought.....

Oh yeah and another problem with this is if you apply the wrong quote to a particular situation which can be done ...trust me...and then you in effect can make a huge mistake or a really wrong decision....what then....then you have to try and figure out how to apply another one to fix it....lol...Already got that one for ya...."The best you can do in any situation good or bad is...learn from it" "just more lessons learnt" or "what doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger" ....lol...But then I just have gone around full circle....I think I had better shut up I have completely lost track...of what I was saying....

I need to go and sleep on this one some more....be back later....

Just me....

And Quote.....

2008-08-24T15:05:00.003+10:00

" The path that I'm walking I must walk alone,
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown

Fairytales don't always have a happy ending...
do they....
and I forseek the dark ahead if I stay....."

Big girls don't cry
Fergie

Music...is it soul food????

2008-08-24T09:42:00.002+10:00

YES....is my immediate answer...why is my next thought/question....well I feel it is able to reach an individual on many levels and in many different ways...I believe that the whole concept of music is beautiful, even magical....it doesn't matter what type of music wether I enjoy it or not...just the idea that sounds and words and rhythm's are able to effect your psyche.....or soul so deeply....is a very powerful thing.....Music is the language of love, the universal communicator, the out-let of deep human emotion.....it encompasses melody and emotion and yet it can be so mundane.....
Music is therapeutic, enlightening, enriching and uplifting.....it is a way of expression wether by actually creating it or by which type of music you listen to....

It's funny how a person is attracted to song's that have wording of similar situation's or feeling's that are currently, running through their minds and lives....And as life changes so does your tastes in music....but I believe like core beliefs you will always have a few particular core song's or genre's.....these are those songs that you will always enjoy, that will always stir you soul the same way every time....they never fade.....

I also love the way the wording to a song can help you, put into words emotions or thoughts that you've had trouble describing or defining.....in this way it is therapeutic....and also comforting because you know that what your feeling...some-one has felt before and they survived and moved on.....
I love how you can listen to music and it can energise you, as in the sense of dance music or music that you like to dance to.....I could feel absolutely lethargic but put some of this music on and I am dancing and cleaning and moving all around the house....lol...
Then on the same note you can listen to songs that make you feel empowered by your decisions and choices in life....because of the message that you get from some-one else's words....this is another reason that supports my belief that words are powerful.....

Anyway my chipboard is dry so enough musing for now
Catch ya

What is Happiness.....

2008-08-23T23:35:00.004+10:00

I only bring this up because me and my dear cousin Ivone have nice long debates about wether happiness is real....yes you read right is is REAL.....is it an emotion or state of being....or a fantasy....and CAN you be trully happy......

Do you think that hapiness is brought upon by the way you feel or look at something or situations....I believe that happiness is something that people continuously strive for and only get brief and fleeting moments of it......Also, then how is hapiness defined....is it something that should be based on an overall view of your life or based on individual moments that make you feel content....but then wouldn't that be called contentment....

Is happiness something that is idealistic....an imaginary emotion, something that we hope feels like something we wish, we could feel like......really think about that......

Is happiness the long lost emotion, that at some stage we felt in our lives when something went right and there was pure joy at a conclusion or event.....but wouldn't that be classified as joy, excitement....or maybe accomplishment....

But then also isn't happiness something you feel when there is no other way of describing how you are feeling at a particular moment .....but you just feel HAPPY.....Ivone....I belive that happiness exists even if it is a figment of my imagination......lol....so in effect this whole topic was pointless because I already had my answer....but I hope it made some-one else think about theirs.....

lol.....

What is LOVE....

2008-08-23T21:35:00.005+10:00

Yes that word, that 4 letter word that is so powerful, yet used so carelessly.....Love wow what an emotion.....The use of that word is used to often ....and in effect it can loose it's power.....
I believe that in life their are a variety of different types of loves.....

One is the the love a parent feels for their child.....Now to clarify a couple of things before I go on.....I realize that their are exceptions to what I am about to write and I understand that some people are just not fit to be parents....also I am writing solely based on my experiences as a mother of two and so what I feel, is based on that and also a collective of various peoples views as well.....

Ok so the love a parent feels for their child is eternal, unconditional, unyielding and incalculable,
the type of of love I feel for my children drives every breathe in my life....before I became a mother my life was all about me and the people around me, I never had to put any-one first, if I did it was a conscious choice, born out a need to be considerate, when I became a mother, the very moment Cody was born was like a switch over, of what my life was driven by, previously as a sole individual I was driven by my own needs, desires, wants or whims....But as a mother it has became all about Cody and now Anthony too, their needs, their wants, their desires, their safety and their lives....
They rely on me to live (what a concept....did you know that the human being is the only species that requires many, many years of constant support and care for survival......)(no other animal needs as much care or nurture as does a human being)
anyway as I was saying they need me, they are dependent on both their parents, to live.....and become emotionally stable and physically fit.....this alone has made my whole thought process change, my drives are not about what I want, but what is best for the children.....As a mother I put them first and foremost in my life and I believe that is, what is right.........I am not stupid I do also realise that self preservation and sanity are extremely important.....I have to have time to be me and to do things for myself, otherwise one can can loose themselves very easily, and one of the biggest lessons you can teach your child is always respect yourself and your values in life, because if you don't have that then what's to work towards, in the end......and if I am not healthy and whole ..... how am I supposed to able to be their for my kids.....
I also realise that their is such a thing as to much love.....and I don't mean that in a sick perverted way either......I believe that it is possible that (not just in this type of love, but in all of them) that you can love to much that it becomes obsessive and overly protective, and in effect can create a situation's where you can cause more damage than good.....

you've all read the stories of these situations ....I am sure....

Anyway....the other and most obvious type of love is the love that is shared between a man and woman.....this is an entirely altogether different type of love.....it in itself can be extremely intense, passionate, volatile, all encompassing yet strangely unreal, and it can also be eternal and incalculable....I don't think that it is unconditional, because when you fall in love with a person you fall in love with the person they are then and not what they can become.....and sometimes what a person becomes is not really all that lovable ....so the love can fade and change until it's not their anymore.....I believe that this love is one that has to be worked on constantly it should not be left to die, because it is rare in life that you find true love, but I believe that once you have been touched by it ....you will never forget what it feels like.....
Also their are stages in this type of love and that is normal....for the first year or maybe two it is what I call in the head over heels type love where nothing is wrong and everything is right....in a sense...lol...(give me a break this all very complicated and hard to put into words) Then there is the stage where your love matures into comfort, stability and security, this is the stage that I believe that patterns of behaviour and new skills of maintaining the love that two people share should be developed, this is where if the couple is serious should start making concerted efforts and plans for long term love maintenance......so that the love never fails ....

Anyway.... now I am going to try and talk about what makes love work in my mind....well the key factors that are required to sustain a long term love relationship......

*Respect
*Honesty
*Communication
*Compassion
*Understanding
*Trust
*At least a few things in common
*A connection
*Obviously sexual desire or attraction
*Complimentary Values.....not necessarily the same but at the least complimentary

Is it a wonder why it is so hard to find that perfect love or dare I say soul mate.....I think if you have more of these thing's than you don't, I feel that you can compromise, but if you have less of these things than you do ...a person in this type of relationship will never be happy......

Well these are a few of my musings on the subject of LOVE......what a complicated yet exhilarating emotion.....

.........................

Life

2008-08-23T20:25:00.002+10:00

Ok so here I go....

I believe that in life, there are three types of people....
The first are those who live in the their own little worlds, their own little box and are quite happy or comfortable with that, they do not question how or why things are the way they are....In their minds things are the way they are so why bother......Though I can understand, that this type of behaviour or trait could be born out of a necessity to feel secure, and once a certain amount of comfort or security is reached in these peoples lives ....they do not feel the need to continue to learn or expand more and they relax and get comfortable....

The second is the type of person who is always questioning always looking outside the box.... they are always wondering always thinking never relaxing or wanting to settle for to long, always wanting to try something new and in effect always on the move...these I suppose are the people that accomplish things in life, who discover the firsts in life, the inventors....these people I feel, would be very comfortable with themselves as a whole, and would not feel the need, to feel constantly secure of their place in the great big scheme of things...these people love to explore new ideas, and are constantly questioning what and where and how things came and come about.........why you ask do these people live like this or think like this well I think it's because they are one naturally curious, two maybe they do deep inside not feel secure, and they question and wonder about everything ....because they want to know why they are here in the first place...what reason for being is there...what is life and why are they a part of it.....maybe....maybe....

The third is a little of column A and a little of column B....the happy medium as I call it...and I only say that because that is where I am placed I think.....These people tend to like to feel secure in their lives and know that their box is their and they are safe in it....but they also always question, always trying to learn, never ceasing to wonder what is out there or why, what is out there is out there...yet they are happy to return to there comfortable boxes when they have had enough for a while.....they like to discover but also like to know that if all else fails they have something to go back too, their comfort zone as I like to call it...a base of knowledge that enables a person to be content with their surrounding's... but also enables them to be able to continue questioning.....when they feel the need....This base of knowledge has to be that general and yet that specific that they never feel closed in by it's limitations....but can still explore and discover at their own free will....

Now I realize that this is all a little deep but yeah so what that's me....
Enjoy pondering this because I do......