So mentally I feel I am in a good place right now, I feel that I have the right outlook and also the the right perspective....but I also feel mentally exhausted and at first was confusing that with signs of depression...though I have realised it's not....I just feel that because the last 6 months have been so intense mentally, in other wards mostly mentally orientated then coupled with the fact that in the last 3 months I have been exercising like a demon and now if you had a photo of even 3 months ago I am half the size...but a healthy size ....I am happy with my self image so far...an impressed that I have stuck out the exercise routine I have set and continue to do so....something I have never been able to do before in my life.....
Anyway as I was saying I think because the last 6 months have been so intense ...I have now hit a stage where I can relax a little and start to calm again and I am finding that some days my mind is refreshed and full of ideas, I am inspired and motivated and then others all I want to do is just sit and do nothing and think nothing....because I can...it's like my mind just needs those days of nothingness at the moment so it can recoup...because I am finding that I have a day like that then for about 3 or 4 days afterwards I am full of beans....
At first like I said I was worried that it was a sign of depression but no I am finding more and more that it is just my mind re adjusting to functioning on normal levels and not so deep all the time.....Like I mentioned quite a few times in previous posts that my mind needed to be on such deep levels of thinking because that is where the truth lies in yourself and sometimes in life you have to re-evaluate your positions and your feeling and thoughts something I never realised could be a useful procedure....but I feel that if people did it on a regular basis ...(like every few years) they and their life would be full of so much more honesty and happiness...because you will then find that it doesn't allow you to live in denial for overly long periods of time....and also when I say that I think that it is really easy to fall into a pattern of living in denial because us humans trend to try to find the easy way out of any given situation.....hence the reason we constantly are inventing things that make life simpler and easier.....
I like the fact that not only in the lats 6 months I dealt with everything in my current situation but have also dealt with a few issues in my past...I feel that I am moving onto the next stage or chapter of my life with a clean slate......mentally and emotionally....I am so happy and refreshed
that I am finding it hard to even put into words the way I feel to Ivone and Sergio.....who for all of your information ARE BACK WOOOOHOOO....lol...bout bloody time....
Anyway they are great and I am so happy that they are back in my immediate life....but in some ways i feel that I have past the stages of when I really needed them and am also happy that I went through all that relatively alone....because yes once again it has made me much stronger and also much more self reliant emotionally plus I feel that my confidence levels have sky rocketed and I am feeling so happy in myself something I don't think I have felt since before I did drugs....in some ways I feel like I have come full circle and this time i have the maturity and perspective lessons that i need in order to make the right decisions in life....he he he hopefully....
WE LIVE AND LEARN CONSTANTLY.......
Anyway gonna go me and the kids have some bug at the moment all three of us are sick as dogs....so gonna get them into bed and then I will be following suit.......
Check ya's
xxxx
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Heya...
Well lets just say that I hate the government but appreciate them all the same....lol...Just so much mucking around when it comes to organising benefits from them ...but then I suppose they need to be sure about where their money is going.....
Anyway other than that it has been a long day A* has been just so miserable most of the day ...I half think his coming down with something...or maybe his molars are starting to show...it is that age....will check that asap....
Anyway....mentally feeling really exhausted one minute, then really refreshed the next....to much to think about all at once but as long as I keep doing and not just thinking I will be alright...
I find that when I sit and think about everything that has to be done and everything that could go wrong...it is really overwhelming....I tend to have the problem of thinking about all the what ifs in life, and always be prepared for the worst....people misunderstand that, they think that I am a pessimist because I always try and think of the worst that could happen....but the thing is I don't only just think about the worst ...I think and prepare myself for the eventuality of it....by doing this I feel positive ...because I feel prepared for the worst...also I find that by expecting the worst I am never let down...or things that would normally feel absolutely horrible in my mind could be worse, so there for ...I am usually happy with what life throws at me because things don't usually end up as bad as I imagined....I discovered long ago that I have a wild imagination...lol...
A curse and a cure at the same time....a cure in the sense that, That because of it I can only succeed....*If you can think it you can do it*....type thing....also a curse because sometimes my imagination runs away with me ....and yeah just annoying....but that's just me...lol....
Other than that days feel long...but at the same time are going really fast....I can't wait until Sergio arrives this Sunday morning then Ivone is gonna be here on the Wednesday after so my support will be here in place again...god I miss those two people so much......What I feel like is a couple of days of just nothing....mmmm some time to be just me.....
To just enjoy being free...
I feel like for the last 8 years my life was predictable and I always new what to expect the next week...now I feel like I don't know whats gonna happen from one day to the next....and for some-one that likes to be prepared...this is proving a hard situation to deal with...but I am so like I said ...just gonna do ...and sit and think to much...because the more I think the more I stress....and then the less motivated I feel....then it just becomes a cycle so...what I need to do is just stop it short at the start...before I let myself get to the second level of just thinking......
JUST DO...
Anyway enough I think I am just getting my random thoughts out at the moment...not really posing any theories...just venting....
Talking about theories though.......That one where I mentioned "If you take failure out of the variables in your life ...all that's left to do is succeed...that one I came to sitting at the beach last Monday.....I had written in the sand I am going to do it.....and I was imagining what my perception of failure would be....Well for me it would be.....Not follow my dreams and just claim that life is to hard, ending thinking and believing that life fucked me over...that it owed me something.....Just surviving and not living life to the fullest.....showing my kids that you can just give up in life.....
NO NO NO ......
I want everything the opposite to that...I want to TRY to follow my dreams and goals no matter how hard it is.....I don't care how hard life is or what it throws at me I won't give up...no matter how much I feel that life is just to much...I will never believe that it owes me anything...I owe it....I will never let myself just survive.....unless that is the only option in a crisis situation.....
I want to show my children that no matter the adversity....keep fighting......
That is my success.....and obviously to be a millionaire....lol...but isn't that every body's dream....
anyway its late will catch ya later.....
Anyway other than that it has been a long day A* has been just so miserable most of the day ...I half think his coming down with something...or maybe his molars are starting to show...it is that age....will check that asap....
Anyway....mentally feeling really exhausted one minute, then really refreshed the next....to much to think about all at once but as long as I keep doing and not just thinking I will be alright...
I find that when I sit and think about everything that has to be done and everything that could go wrong...it is really overwhelming....I tend to have the problem of thinking about all the what ifs in life, and always be prepared for the worst....people misunderstand that, they think that I am a pessimist because I always try and think of the worst that could happen....but the thing is I don't only just think about the worst ...I think and prepare myself for the eventuality of it....by doing this I feel positive ...because I feel prepared for the worst...also I find that by expecting the worst I am never let down...or things that would normally feel absolutely horrible in my mind could be worse, so there for ...I am usually happy with what life throws at me because things don't usually end up as bad as I imagined....I discovered long ago that I have a wild imagination...lol...
A curse and a cure at the same time....a cure in the sense that, That because of it I can only succeed....*If you can think it you can do it*....type thing....also a curse because sometimes my imagination runs away with me ....and yeah just annoying....but that's just me...lol....
Other than that days feel long...but at the same time are going really fast....I can't wait until Sergio arrives this Sunday morning then Ivone is gonna be here on the Wednesday after so my support will be here in place again...god I miss those two people so much......What I feel like is a couple of days of just nothing....mmmm some time to be just me.....
To just enjoy being free...
I feel like for the last 8 years my life was predictable and I always new what to expect the next week...now I feel like I don't know whats gonna happen from one day to the next....and for some-one that likes to be prepared...this is proving a hard situation to deal with...but I am so like I said ...just gonna do ...and sit and think to much...because the more I think the more I stress....and then the less motivated I feel....then it just becomes a cycle so...what I need to do is just stop it short at the start...before I let myself get to the second level of just thinking......
JUST DO...
Anyway enough I think I am just getting my random thoughts out at the moment...not really posing any theories...just venting....
Talking about theories though.......That one where I mentioned "If you take failure out of the variables in your life ...all that's left to do is succeed...that one I came to sitting at the beach last Monday.....I had written in the sand I am going to do it.....and I was imagining what my perception of failure would be....Well for me it would be.....Not follow my dreams and just claim that life is to hard, ending thinking and believing that life fucked me over...that it owed me something.....Just surviving and not living life to the fullest.....showing my kids that you can just give up in life.....
NO NO NO ......
I want everything the opposite to that...I want to TRY to follow my dreams and goals no matter how hard it is.....I don't care how hard life is or what it throws at me I won't give up...no matter how much I feel that life is just to much...I will never believe that it owes me anything...I owe it....I will never let myself just survive.....unless that is the only option in a crisis situation.....
I want to show my children that no matter the adversity....keep fighting......
That is my success.....and obviously to be a millionaire....lol...but isn't that every body's dream....
anyway its late will catch ya later.....
Monday, October 6, 2008
Notes...talk more later
If you take failure as an option, out of the variables in life....the only thing left is to succeed...
Also on the 2nd of October 2008...I became a single mother....and I feel FREE.....Now you all know what I was getting at...lol.....Things are going better than I ever expected...but it's only the start...so we will see.....
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION, I CAN ONLY SUCCEED.....
Also on the 2nd of October 2008...I became a single mother....and I feel FREE.....Now you all know what I was getting at...lol.....Things are going better than I ever expected...but it's only the start...so we will see.....
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION, I CAN ONLY SUCCEED.....
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