I know...

Its been a while....allots been happening mentally....I am now 100% certain of my feelings as well as in my decisions.....I have also decided that I can't wait months and months....just not gonna happen.....I am now waiting for myself to either have enough....I give myself weeks....or my supports get here exactly a month .....which will happen sooner, don't know can't tell you...I think I will know the right time though...its not something that I just want to blow up....it's something I want to be rational about.....My mind is doing quite reasonable under the pressure...I have had two bad days in the last week, but surprisingly am keeping it generally together...on some levels I am feeling stronger and much more empowered as an individual and a person....I am also finding that I am respecting myself more, ....and that is different....I am also on the other hand feeling apprehensive, because I don't know how the news will go down with every-one concerned, but they will just have to realise the situation is irreparable, I have tried for way to long and now it's too late.....I have had enough....

In some ways I feel like I need to get the worst parts over and done with, so that we can all just start moving on.....does that sound cold, I don't mean it to....it's just that I feel like I am doing a balancing act on the edge of a cliff, and the thing is I know I have to fall.....it's just a matter of choosing weather to fall or jump....and then knowing that it will hurt either way....and then knowing that you have pick yourself back up and keep going....

I have to be strong...there is no question...no matter how weak I have realised that I will feel sometimes, I have to keep fighting life....keep going and not let myself give in to hardship or fear....I can do what ever I put my mind to as can every-one else....life is life and we just gotta take what get and deal with it.....the joy's......

I am making life sound like it is horrible....it's not, it's hard, it's tough, it's good, it's beautiful and it's precious.....but it was never meant to be easy....but we always have to keep taking the next step.....

Anyway talking about steps...of I go to do some exercise....wooohooo I have lost 5 kilo's in 6 weeks....cheering...to think all I needed to do was exercise....now I feel really strange if i don't.....This is another reason why I think that I am being able to handle things so well it is such a great release of stress ...and I can safely say that I don't have full blown depression...and I owe it to this....so it is definitely something I want to maintain....anyway catch ya's all till next time...will be posting the speech I did at my dads 50th here soon...just gotta find some time....lol...

Life and time....

Isn't it funny....maybe funny is not the word but amazing how much a year in life can change you so much....Now I Know that not all years do change you and you can have a period of 3 or so years that you barely change at all but you still grow but at a much slower pace until 3 years later you turn around and have a look and realise that geez I am a completely different person or wow I used to look at that differently.....But then you can have a short period of time from say about a year in perspective and you think my god how I have changed and matured....sometimes this change as I have said can be gradual, sometimes it can happen from a series of full on months, or it can be from just a single moment....of realisation or experience....it just astounds me how much effect things like this can have on a person's life....

I had an old friend rock up on my doorstep today and he was reconnecting with old friends....after being rehab for 6 or more months...... Man I new this boy since he was like 7...and watched him grow up with my brother ...he was always straight A until about 3 years ago and got heavily addicted to Coke....anyway, he said that the breaking moment or turning point for him was one night ...the next day he checked himself into a rehab clinic.... and now 8 months later he is the same old guy but a tonne maturer and much more aware of how precious life is.....This is what has made me think about this subject ...and in turn it has made me think about me and my turning points....I have called them points of no return.... I recently only thought I had three.....but I realize there a quite a few more...

The first was January 11th 1999....this was the day I broke....my vase exploded....(will explain at a later date) anyway.....this moment has shaped the rest of my life since......For about 9 months after this I don't remember much at all.....I have fleeting memories of moments....during that time....all not good.....but that 9 months has shaped my whole belief system of my mind .....I had to learn how to laugh again I had to learn how to talk to people again I had to learn that people didn't think that I was an idiot and that I wasn't insane all the time.....I had to rebuild my functioning mind from the very start....At about the 6 month mark I remember a moment of clarity and the realisation that I felt like a new born baby in a grown person body....I felt like I had to regrow in every way...if I was to survive as a functional human being....it was a huge step in my recovery, but at the time felt so small.....
I remember the moment that I felt sane again, which was the the 9 month mark, I was sitting at the Cafe car wash on Victoria road and I was looking at this bird on the fence, I was a having a coffee with Biz, anyway there I was looking at this bird and I remember thinking awww what a cute bird then thinking omg,........usually in my insane madness this would be my thought process, Tina don't look at the bird for to long people will think you weird, then, why would people think I am weird for looking at a bird, then, They would think it strange that you would want to stare at a bird....blah blah blah,......the whole paranoia thing....but this time I was sitting there looking at the bird and nothing no paranoid thoughts......and after that it was very rare that I ever thought like that again....in fact now I do not even let myself go there....As long as I know that I am doing the right thing and I am not intentionally hurting any-one then I am happy and I don't care what other people think of me....... never will I let other peoples opinions shape my actions...... It's my life and that's it....though in saying that I do try hard to take into consideration how my actions, thoughts and words will affect others....but I make a conscious choice to take that into consideration based on my beliefs and values and not because I am worried about what they will think of me.....

The second I will write later.....not creating suspense here intentionally....lol...just tired so will do it tomorrow.....

HERE....

Mind Layers expanded

Ok so recently I spoke about mind layers and I would like to elaborate on this subject, into a related subject.....The mind as we all know is a complex many layered multi talented "thing"....

When I try and picture what the mind is, all I can get is this massive mass that floats around with us....lol....obviously that is not the way it is but because of the power the mind has it seems like a massive and huge "thing"....But in reality it is part of us and is what makes us function....in every way, it controls our personalities...(though that's to be debated at a later date), also it makes our physical being function accordingly and appropriately, it allows us to feel and think and be productive with everything it controls...which is I suppose is also our will ...now weather the heart or mind controls this aspect of our being's, is part of the debate that I will touch on at a later date.....anyway the reason I am writing this post is because earlier I spoke about mind layers in regards to core beliefs....but this time I want to talk about a separate set of layers....yes separate......told you the mind was complex.....anyway, what I want to discuss is 3 layers that run simultaneously and they make up our emotion process, well mine anyway.....lately with everything that's been going on I am finding that I am switching between the three and it's a little bit disconcerting to say the least, because usually they follow this pattern,
One ........emotion, feelings, random thoughts...(red)...then comes the analysis and reflection of these...(blue)....then comes the reasoning, rationalisation and perspective...(Green)......this thought process usually works quite efficiently and I think that most people function on this with out even being aware of it....but since my break down 8/9 years ago I learnt how I work and this is one of the things I learnt and have used since....I have used paint again so that it can help you visualise what I mean....

Lately though and this is why I am bringing this up, I have had to think about this again, and try and get it back under control....I have been jumping between the three so that my moods are governed by each layer.....I am not just following the pattern but going back and forth so that I can't get to and stay on the third layer...(green) for long enough to be able to gain perspective or even try and stay focused on my reasoning.....this is very annoying to say the least.....I also am aware that this can happen sometimes in life but it's frustrating, because right now I need to be able to get to that green level and stay there......because I am finding myself feeling lost in this situation.....and that's not on....I have allot to do and to think about and these feelings and thoughts are distracting, even though I knew they were going to be part of the bargain...But the problem is coming in where I know what I have to do and where I have to get to, and also whats involved, all of it....but I don't think I took into consideration how taxing my emotions were going to be.....

I am finding that my emotions and feelings are ruling me right now and that is not good because I don't have time for this shit......my analysis of these thought and feelings is even more consuming and I am at least gaining some ground there....but I am finding that I can't gain the perspective that I need to keep going......I don't think that I have enough time with my thoughts to be able to do this....I think I need to get away from this for a while, soon, and be by myself for more than an hour.....every time I get to the green I get distracted and then bam new emotions hit and then it starts all over again.....so yes I think I need to get away, the question is how and when.....I know that I will be going to the gym allot soon maybe that might be enough for now.....a few hours alone might be all I need.....though a weekend would be great...mmmmm thinking......So this is another area and complexity of the mind that you must take into consideration if you are wanting to explore yourself.....lol...that didn't sound right....oh well deal with it....lmao...

Ok so in saying all of this I realise that you are probably thinking, what is she basing this all on..... I will tell you "me" that's what.....I have no evidence to support any of my theories, I don't know the exact terminology for anything that I have touched on in any of my posts.....so in essence I could be full of crap...and be completely back ward......

But I never said that I was going to give factual evidence or proof, I did say that this blog is about me and my musings, my thought's and for my mind.......so I am basing everything I write about, on myself and everything I have been through.....especially the period of my life when I broke down completely and I had to regrow my mind or rebuild myself from scratch in other wards..... I learnt allot about life, the mind, myself and how I work...... I learnt how be me and be aware of it all because before then, I just was....now I am me with a purpose, with the knowledge of how to be me......not many people get there you know....I have had two counselors tell me that it is an extraordinary gift or ability to be able to rationalise on such deep levels......I suppose I agree in a way, but it is and can be extremely draining.....especially when you have allot of other shit going on, that you have to be able to think about...... Though when I don't I don't usually get this deep, I like to keep things neutral and easy generally and only get deep and meaningful when I am in the mood.....and I am not in the mood......but I am in a stage of life where I have to because I can and I know I need too..... I am in a sense rebuilding my thought beliefs and processes so that I am can be fully independent on myself for everything again.....aaaahhhh that felt good a moment of clarity and bingo I have some perspective...wooohoo....sorry I needed that thought really badly.....it's what I have been trying to identify with since yesterday....all good....

Sorry about that....lol...now I lost hat I was saying because that thought has just opened up some more....so I might get going.....because I have realised that I am rambling a bit.....so check ya's out ...enjoy this thought people....because it's driving me insane at the moment....lol...jk's...

Bye

Ok so yes

Today is better but the weather is absolutely miserable....
I wonder is it possible to have two different dreams simultaneously well I think I did, very strange ...lately I have been remembering my dreams and I don;t do that not unless I have a full on night mare...which is extremely rare....but lately on 6 different occasions in the last 2 months......I have remembered these particular dreams and they are not nightmares and....yes they are quite disturbing.....I suppose in a good way...but what....lol....anyway so today I am going to immerse myself into some serious scrapping ....I have to.....got stuff to a deadline to do.....lol

Ok gonna go now catch ya...

Just got to block..........again.......

Reality Hits......

Ok, so before I go on, I am just gonna say that I acknowledge that I have made my decisions, I am accepting of them, I realise that the decisions I have made are not easy ones and that to follow through on them, is going to be very hard and tough.....I AM NOT NAIVE, I know that I will have down periods and up times and that some days will be worse than others. I also am now happy about the fact that I have followed my heart......but I am still currently living a lie and that is what is getting to me right now..... I went out with my cousin Danielle tonight, just got home actually.....Lets just say that I was in a really wild mood....AND I realised that all I felt like being was careless I didn't give a fuck......there I am even swearing in this blog and I have tried to avoid that so far.....anyway....I realised why I wanted to be careless and that's because all day everyday I have to be focused and on top of things otherwise I will give to much away.....That is not on ....anyway so tonight was the first time that I have realised the full reality of the next year .......and I am hating it....I just want out...now......I wanna be free now....I don't know how I am gonna do this for so long....I just wish that I had some-one to say it will be alright, that's all, I always feel like I have to be the strong one...why, I don't know ....I think because people always turn to me when they have trouble ...I don't mind at all...but when I am in trouble who do I turn to....myself.......yeah I do that already...but sometimes.......it's not enough...

I hate feeling like, I am closed in by a situation and I can't escape.....(just so you know these are feeling's and I have already rationalised with myself and I know that I can do this and be fine....but I am still allowed to feel....) GGGOOOOODDDDDD......I am feeling so frustrated by my circumstances why what where ....ggggrrrr....I just wanna be there now and not have live through the next year.....I know there will be a hell of allot of positives ...my grandparents visit... H will be away for most of the next 6 months through work..... Sergio is coming back....Ivone ...Danielle...scrapbooking, art...my babies....holiday....I can do this and I know I can.....




You know I haven't cried for over four years....Even with all the shit that happened in my family 3 years ago ... I want to cry but I feel like I have forgotten and I don't know how or that if I start I won't be able to stop..... in a sense it makes me feel like I am cold hearted, but that's not it, I feel it all, my heart aches for other people's pain, I even get the tears in my eyes but I just can't cry..... whats wrong with me....I keep it all and only share little bits...I have serious trust issues I think....on one hand I tend to be to trusting in regards to talking about situations....but when it comes to talking about how I am feeling and my deep feelings....no way man I feel to exposed ....I don't want any-one using those against me, there mine.... I think I have two people who I can trust with my deepest thoughts and feelings and that's my brother....( cheers 2 u Serg) your a legend......and Ivone of course....(my angel in disguise)...but there both not here and won't be for months.....help....

Another problem is I keep wanting to have a drink....mmmmm...not a good sign...don't worry using self control here...lol.....the last thing I need is alcohol as an escape but it is definitely and I am being honest here ...becoming very tempting....but, all I have to do is think of the kids and yes that stops me short....so I am using you my poor little blog....and my new art and as always scrap booking as a healthy escape......

I wish............

I won't go there with that one....tooo personal....but yeah....

When will I have enough..... when will it be too much???????????????????????....where's my limit for this????????? when will I crack.....I wonder will I crack....again....is it possible to be that completely broken twice in your life and be able to bring yourself back, twice.....I did it the first time and it has made me who I am today but ........ again?????

I think my mind needs to rest I'm getting to thoughtful..... There is no need to be thinking this shit.....I guess this is a bad day.....lol.....oh well tomorrow will be better.....aaarrrggg the weekend....





*sigh*

Progress

Well I have a progress update...check it....

So as you can see have added some detail and it's looking much better ...the swirls on the side I may redo because I had already had a couple of drinks so wasn't really focused properly on it.....loving the tones coming out from behind the tree...

Anyway had Jess over last night was great to have her here....we had a few drinks celebrating the top 50 ...wooohoo...what a great excuse for a drink...he he he...also did some business talk....lol....

So that so far is my news for this early time in the morning oh and I have been tagged twice by Anthea ansd Suse, apparently this is really good.....great exposure for blog and all....lol...see I am completely new to world of blogging....but still loving it...

anyway catch ya's

AAAARRRGGGHHHHH......YES

I just got the call.......I'm in the top 50...wooohooo.....yeah baby......wow...

Update.....

Here are some shots of the progress I am making on the piece....lol...I can't put any other name to it....but it is coming together slowly....now the green on this is the base that will show through some cracks....I am going to be using crackle medium on it so this is just the underbelly....lol...





But the path is almosty done, the bottom piece isn't painted and not joined because other wise little kiddies will get there grubby little hands on it....no way man....lol.....thats ounded horrible...I meant literally grubby ....lol

So these are just a few shots I have decided to upload the bulk into a facebook album...one more publicity and the upload tool is quicker and easier so....this will be a back up potfolio in a sense....lol....

Hope you enjoy....

Mind Layers.....

As you can see this blog so far has touched on all areas of me...from the mundane to the deep...


Well lately I have been keeping it as a vent but I want to go back to a subject I touched on earlier, in one of my earlier post...Mind layers.....


I had to think about this and how I wanted to describe this or how I would make this concept visual in a sense.....ok so a while back me and Ivone talked about core beliefs and we ended drawing a visual aid that would help us understand how our mind or core beliefs function within our mind so that they influence all our decisions and thoughts.....I believe that this would be the best way to describe the concept of mind layers....


We drew this image on a piece of paper so I haven't actually got the original, but I quickly threw one together using paint.....

Ok so here I have used the example of the core belief "That I am not good enough"......just so you know that yes this was something that I once believed many many years ago but have unconsciously changed this around....even though when I did that I had no idea about core beliefs....only discovered that they existed about two years ago....he he he....

Anyway I am just using this as an example because it is the easiest to explain....Ok so as you can see we have layers of conscious thought and unconscious thought that run almost together and all happen within split seconds, but can take much longer to sink in.....

So I will start with the core and then go from there....ok so the core belief I am not good enough comes from something that is learned through an experience or continuous treatment towards yourself....they can start to develop from the moment you start to consciously remember or think....or they can like I said come about later in life due to a major incident, something that hurts deep down and effects you psyche.....These core beliefs are what drives our thought patterns and makes us believe and behave in certain ways.... they are what controls what our personalities become if you let them....now just for clarification not all core beliefs are bad...most definitely not,.....anyway...so like I was saying they drive us to do what we do in life......

So I am going to talk about two different situations and explain how this core belief will work with each of them....

First I will start of by talking about how this core belief will make you believe that something good didn't just happen to you because you deserved it through hard work or perseverance....but will make you believe that it was a fluke or maybe you just got lucky for a change......

Ok so say you get a promotion at work.....first you feel happy and excited you are amazed and shocked that something this good could happen to you....this is the outer layer...your emotions.... Then you think about what's just happened, your automated thought response is ...there must be some mistake, or are they sure they have picked the right person or oh I don't think I will be able to do this....these are just a few that will support your belief but not consciously..... So you start you job in your new position and you accidentally stuff up some files or make a mistake with something.....you start to think "see they did have the wrong person", or I knew they made a mistake what were they thinking putting me in this position.....I knew I wasn't good enough....this is the third layer, the layer that confirms your belief in your mind so that unconsciously you believe and continue to believe that you are not good enough......

Instead of thinking that mistakes happen you are only learning and next time you will get it right, or that it's just one of those days oh well next time I know I can do it......you continue to believe that they have the wrong person for the job or that there was some mistake...

Next example is something bad happens , like you break up with your boyfriend....your emotions are hurt, angry sad and lonely.....your automated thought responses are why would he do this, what did I do, what have I done wrong......then you start thinking I knew I wasn't good enough for him, I knew I shouldn't done or said that and then it's the whole thing of blaming yourself..... So you have already reached layer 3 by this point and this all confirms the belief that you weren't good enough.....

Instead you should be thinking what happened in general.....and yes if you have or did do something wrong think, acknowledge this but recognise that you are only human and can make mistakes....also realise that maybe he wasn't good enough for you and he just couldn't handle it....lol....also, accept what happened, as these things do happen in life and move on but remember that and if you did do something wrong ...to try not to do it again.....

Now I understand that this little example is really summarised, and that the whole process of breaking up with some-one is something that can scar you for life but it depends on what your core beliefs are that will effect how or how much.....so don't think I am being insensitive here...it's just I talking about something else here right now....lol....

ok so as you can see this core belief will work any situation to confirm itself....whether good or bad.....this in effect can be your biggest downfall in life.....and this is only one core belief that is actually quite common in people....anyway so in saying all this ...not every-one can grasp the idea of core beliefs or even comprehend that they exist.....Some can but will not or cannot figure whats theirs are...and personally I only know a few of mine...luckily the ones I do know about I am conscious of and can change my thought pattern before it confirms the belief thereby eventually changing the belief itself.....this process can take years or happen in a heart beat...it just depends on you.....and what the belief was. To be able to do this is not easy and can be tiring so if you are of sound mind then this whole concept is best experimented then, not when you are in doubt about yourself your your strength.....because sadly reality hurts as does the truth, so if your are prepared to be absolutely honest with yourself then try exploring this whole concept within yourself....you will be surprised at what you find.......

Good luck.....

ok so...

I feel like I have reconciled a few things in my life today so am happy about that....I am thinking of calling the piece I am working on at the moment, something along the lines of "path to discovery" or "Life's Journey".....or "A well beaten track"....or just "Life"....but I cannot choose yet because will have to wait until the end to see what fits best.....I have done allot more on the piece today so been very productive....though I am finding myself already planning other ones....lol...getting ahead of myself here...so better just slow it up and work on this one first.....I am loving it...I have my ipod blasting in my ears and dancing away while working....obviously the kiddies are sleeping when I am completely submerged in mess...lol...but wow I feel like I am back in Art class with this art teacher from school and I can't remember her name, spewing....but she used to blare the music while we painted.....what great times they were......

Anyway....other than that.....still focused which is really good I feel like I have plateaued (what a hard word to write...had to spell check that one....lol) anyway that....I feel like I have definitely reached a level of acceptance in regards to my life and my decisions.....and am feeling empowered by the fact that I am following my dreams and following my heart and mind.....instead of living in denial for the rest of my life......I am feeling good..

Man..... Rihanna has this new song out called Distrurbia....wow awesome song....really hit home and probably could of used it like a month ago....lol...but now it's just great to listen too.....
Also love that new song by Pink called "So What":......love the whole attitude..man......though I can see where she is at and, she's in very destructive stage of life.....been there done that.....you know the whole who gives a shit about anything anymore stage......lol...yes I remember that stage....I will admit that it had it's high lights but ultimately not good for the nervous system....he he he....

Anyway gotta go and get dinner plated up.....
Check ya.....

Sneak Preview

So I took some photo's of my tree...and it is just feeling and looking great...loving the effect that newspaper and metal have together.....

This is the full version and it's still not done...the lighter bits are the parts that are still drying.....and haven't been painted yet...

Ok so this is a close up...of the finished effect with paint.....

Hope you like....

How does news paper and metal washers sound...interesting!!!!...Yeah well it looks interesting...he he he....I don't know if I will put photo's on this one...I am thinking Paper manipulation.....even more interesting.....mmmm yeah that's what I was thinking...
Got to remember that whole thing of not letting the paint brushes dry in between uses...lol...The joys...

So just doing some rounds and thought I would pop in and give away a few hints...he he he...
Check ya

Woohoo

So I have my canvases and enough stuff to get started with....lol...I will add photo's a bit later in the process...but I just couldn't wait so now the fun part starts.....getting down right messy ...he he he....don't be surprised if I am covered in paint and bits of paper and god knows what else for the next month....he he he
Check ya off to start this....