WOW

So it has been 6 months since the last time I have been here, I don't know why but I think I once mentioned that even though I can and do think deeply I try to avoid it too much, because it is insane to be so deep all the time...it drains so much mental energy...So in the last six months, yes I have had moments of realisation and very theraputic thoughts, but I haven't felt the need to express them to much, besides verbally. I think the biggest thing is still that my perspective on life and and love and everything that, that all implies is at it's best. I know that life is hard and things will always feel harder than they sometimes are, but I also know that nothing lasts forever so with that out look on life I feel like I can handle just about anything....I have been through amazing amounts of pain in my life and I believe that because of this I will survive.



The reason I am here writing again is because recently as in just last saturday... Something amazing happened and now that the euphoria of it has worn off I am astounded and a little overwhelmed by whats going on and has gone on with my mind. I think I once mentioned how powerful the mind is and yet it never ceases to amaze me that my mind is very adaptable and very layered and extremely powerful. It actually scares me by whats its done, but in a good way.

Now I probably have lost you so I will explain now....

I am not sure if I once mentioned that I have (now had) 9 months of my life that I don't remember, and when I do try to, even now, but much less so, I get these awful flashes of memories. And that in that 9 months I know that I must of functioned because I new things hapened, but with no memory of it, also I must of gone to school because in yr 11 I had some of my best marks ever. I couldn't understand this, how I must of been on auto pilot, I funtioned and worked on the outside, but mentally I was in a black void....



I now know what has happened, its strange and a bit confusing so I will try to put it into words that make sense. I now realise that I did have all these memories from this time, large spots are still there, where I don't remember but isn't that semi normal...(but I believe they will come back, they are already are...hence the reason I am writing....anyway) as I was saying I did have these memories, they were there all along, but somehow I could never place them its as if they weren't in the right time slot, I had placed them after my 9 months of blackness...I could never tell you exactly when so and so happened, because in my mind it was jumbled I didn't have the correct time frame, and even though they felt like they had to be after, it never seemed to fit all in one year or more....So what has now happened to make me understand this, is that I met up with an old friend Biz, She was a very good friend of mine in this 9months (even though I thought it was after, I can't believe that I was able to be coherrent enough to have friends) Anyway she started saying things like do you remember when we first started talking, it was on the oval in school....I told her honestly that I couldn't...then she explained in greateer detail...and all of a sudden I did....then I asked when exactly this happened and she said at the start of year 11, ...Then she went on to say things like ...do u remember this and when we did this....but somewhere in my head something starnge was happening I can't explain it....all of a sudden I had this massive rush of memeories, memories I already new and remebered in detail, all these moments of pain and pleasure and horror...all came back in a big woosh, but what had happened was I realised that everything that I remebered as being after the 9 nmonths was in fact during those 9 months....It had been there all along I hadn't lost my memory I had in fact absorbed and stored them away...I didn't allow myself to process them...It literally felt like two halfs had become a whole...a resounding mind shift that has left me buzzing for the last 4 days....I have been so happy by the fact I actually had the memories all along and now they were all there placed in the proper cronological order in my mind that I haven't even allowed myself to feel them....(different story now though...even though I realise they are in the past and they can't hurt me and that even though they were bad times then I am in the best place mentally ever). Even though I did have the memories all along they have been sketchy at best, there are specific moments that I know extreme details, but thats about it...I also realise that there are periods that are still part of the blackness, but all the memories have started to place themselves in proper order within that 9 month period. I realise now that I had done heroin with Tommy and lived in glebe for 6 of that 9 months, I also got together with david just after slowly coming out of the blackness...(no wander I was so vulnerable to manipulation) Me and Biz and Jess had become best friends in that time, I was out of home...The old man incident and also all my stuff being stolen had happened in that 9 months....So much stuff that I have remebered but could never place...its mindblowing and now scary as well.



I will try and explain what I think has happened. I feel like my mind shut down, I feel that my mind, not only exploded inward, outward and away. It stopped me from processing, it was a shell...mentally I was in a void trying to process what had happened before the explosion, trying to digest all of THAT pain and heart ache, that and my mind blew a fuse because it just couldn't take in any-more, I was so young, so many bad things, to much pain at all one time....So it blocked me from processing any-more for a time, it still allowed me to absorbed what was happening around me, allowed me to function and live...however close to the edge, and stored it all away for a time when I was mentally ready to process it....why now.....but anyway...(i do have a theory).

It just feels so fucking strange at the moment, to know that I do now know what happened in that 9 months and that it was all more horrible than what had originally made my mind do this in the first place, and to know that it happened at a time that I was completely lost.....Incapable of processing it....it was to much.



I felt like I was drowning in a sea of darkness with only tiny horrible flashes of light....My mind was trying to recover and everytime it came even a step forward something else happened to push me back down, NO HOPE....



Today i sat at the park and spent some time trying to piece it together, exactly what had happened, how it had happened and why...this is all I have come up with.....

I was suddenly hit with one of my more horrible moments...I remeber lying on my bedroom floor crying in absolute agony, a pain I could and now can feel in every part of my being....a pain I had blocked....I begging to die, for some-one, any-one, any god, to just take me, to kill me....to stop this pain....I was in agony I was only 16.....I wanted to die, I was suicidal, but just couldn't go through with it.....I wished for people to kill me, I never remembered this, even on recall...but I do now...It has shaken me, but I do feel well enough mentally to have a good perspective on it......

I am expecting more memories and emotions like this to come back now that my last break in my mind has healed. But I feel that my mind know's what it is doing, ( I trust myself that much) that I am ready and willing to now properly process them.....and I believe I am too...What happened this morning was shocking and sad...but I know that I am in a much better place and that regardless I am so much stronger than then....I actually am feeling very sorry for the person...the girl that I was...but not in a self pity way, just in a way that I feel that it was just to much for me to handle....and I broke...and I feel sorry that I was in such a state.



I feel like in some ways, I am a completely different person, and I am, but I mean much more literaly, like I am watching some-one elses experiences, some-one elses pain and anguish....but that I now can feel it all to...like actually feel it...when I had that flash back this morning I was dazed and had tears in my eye's for then though, not now.....I can't believe what I actually went through....so much pain....It no wander I put up walls, no wander that I promised MYSELF that I wouldn't ever let another human being hurt me in any way.....I now know that, that was an unrealistic promise...but it saved then and to a much lesser dgree for many years after. My walls I have realised were not just around my heart but around my mind initially as well....My mind protected it self by doing all this to me.....I feel it is a good sign that my mind is quite in control of itself....That it won't let me hurt myself....It will save me....It has saved me before, as in this incident, it was extremely damaged as it was so on another mind level it just stopped functioning, so as to allow me to heal, before the next onslaught. Thank god it did, because looking back now, if what had happened to me to push me to this, was all it took to break me....then if you added all that had happened after the break at the time would I think have literally sent me insane for absolute life...I am so lucky....as it was u could probably have locked me up at the time....I had already lost it, but it with the perspective i have now it was a strategic move by my own mind......

To tell u the truth I don't know if any of this is actually proven to be possible, though i have heard of similar cases with abuse victims, I was an abuse victim too...no wander....but anyway as i was saying, this is just what I have come to believed has happened.....no matter how disturbing...it happened...and I am in someways very grateful, yet at the same time shocked and saddened by how bad it all really got.....something I never actually grasped before in it's entirity. I have always know things got bad and I was very fucked up...but I now know exactly how and why, and I think thats what is the most disturbing part.....



Anyway been writing for like 2 hours need to eat, catch ya....