I know...

Its been a while....allots been happening mentally....I am now 100% certain of my feelings as well as in my decisions.....I have also decided that I can't wait months and months....just not gonna happen.....I am now waiting for myself to either have enough....I give myself weeks....or my supports get here exactly a month .....which will happen sooner, don't know can't tell you...I think I will know the right time though...its not something that I just want to blow up....it's something I want to be rational about.....My mind is doing quite reasonable under the pressure...I have had two bad days in the last week, but surprisingly am keeping it generally together...on some levels I am feeling stronger and much more empowered as an individual and a person....I am also finding that I am respecting myself more, ....and that is different....I am also on the other hand feeling apprehensive, because I don't know how the news will go down with every-one concerned, but they will just have to realise the situation is irreparable, I have tried for way to long and now it's too late.....I have had enough....

In some ways I feel like I need to get the worst parts over and done with, so that we can all just start moving on.....does that sound cold, I don't mean it to....it's just that I feel like I am doing a balancing act on the edge of a cliff, and the thing is I know I have to fall.....it's just a matter of choosing weather to fall or jump....and then knowing that it will hurt either way....and then knowing that you have pick yourself back up and keep going....

I have to be strong...there is no question...no matter how weak I have realised that I will feel sometimes, I have to keep fighting life....keep going and not let myself give in to hardship or fear....I can do what ever I put my mind to as can every-one else....life is life and we just gotta take what get and deal with it.....the joy's......

I am making life sound like it is horrible....it's not, it's hard, it's tough, it's good, it's beautiful and it's precious.....but it was never meant to be easy....but we always have to keep taking the next step.....

Anyway talking about steps...of I go to do some exercise....wooohooo I have lost 5 kilo's in 6 weeks....cheering...to think all I needed to do was exercise....now I feel really strange if i don't.....This is another reason why I think that I am being able to handle things so well it is such a great release of stress ...and I can safely say that I don't have full blown depression...and I owe it to this....so it is definitely something I want to maintain....anyway catch ya's all till next time...will be posting the speech I did at my dads 50th here soon...just gotta find some time....lol...