Life and time....

Isn't it funny....maybe funny is not the word but amazing how much a year in life can change you so much....Now I Know that not all years do change you and you can have a period of 3 or so years that you barely change at all but you still grow but at a much slower pace until 3 years later you turn around and have a look and realise that geez I am a completely different person or wow I used to look at that differently.....But then you can have a short period of time from say about a year in perspective and you think my god how I have changed and matured....sometimes this change as I have said can be gradual, sometimes it can happen from a series of full on months, or it can be from just a single moment....of realisation or experience....it just astounds me how much effect things like this can have on a person's life....

I had an old friend rock up on my doorstep today and he was reconnecting with old friends....after being rehab for 6 or more months...... Man I new this boy since he was like 7...and watched him grow up with my brother ...he was always straight A until about 3 years ago and got heavily addicted to Coke....anyway, he said that the breaking moment or turning point for him was one night ...the next day he checked himself into a rehab clinic.... and now 8 months later he is the same old guy but a tonne maturer and much more aware of how precious life is.....This is what has made me think about this subject ...and in turn it has made me think about me and my turning points....I have called them points of no return.... I recently only thought I had three.....but I realize there a quite a few more...

The first was January 11th 1999....this was the day I broke....my vase exploded....(will explain at a later date) anyway.....this moment has shaped the rest of my life since......For about 9 months after this I don't remember much at all.....I have fleeting memories of moments....during that time....all not good.....but that 9 months has shaped my whole belief system of my mind .....I had to learn how to laugh again I had to learn how to talk to people again I had to learn that people didn't think that I was an idiot and that I wasn't insane all the time.....I had to rebuild my functioning mind from the very start....At about the 6 month mark I remember a moment of clarity and the realisation that I felt like a new born baby in a grown person body....I felt like I had to regrow in every way...if I was to survive as a functional human being....it was a huge step in my recovery, but at the time felt so small.....
I remember the moment that I felt sane again, which was the the 9 month mark, I was sitting at the Cafe car wash on Victoria road and I was looking at this bird on the fence, I was a having a coffee with Biz, anyway there I was looking at this bird and I remember thinking awww what a cute bird then thinking omg,........usually in my insane madness this would be my thought process, Tina don't look at the bird for to long people will think you weird, then, why would people think I am weird for looking at a bird, then, They would think it strange that you would want to stare at a bird....blah blah blah,......the whole paranoia thing....but this time I was sitting there looking at the bird and nothing no paranoid thoughts......and after that it was very rare that I ever thought like that again....in fact now I do not even let myself go there....As long as I know that I am doing the right thing and I am not intentionally hurting any-one then I am happy and I don't care what other people think of me....... never will I let other peoples opinions shape my actions...... It's my life and that's it....though in saying that I do try hard to take into consideration how my actions, thoughts and words will affect others....but I make a conscious choice to take that into consideration based on my beliefs and values and not because I am worried about what they will think of me.....

The second I will write later.....not creating suspense here intentionally....lol...just tired so will do it tomorrow.....

HERE....