Ok, so before I go on, I am just gonna say that I acknowledge that I have made my decisions, I am accepting of them, I realise that the decisions I have made are not easy ones and that to follow through on them, is going to be very hard and tough.....I AM NOT NAIVE, I know that I will have down periods and up times and that some days will be worse than others. I also am now happy about the fact that I have followed my heart......but I am still currently living a lie and that is what is getting to me right now..... I went out with my cousin Danielle tonight, just got home actually.....Lets just say that I was in a really wild mood....AND I realised that all I felt like being was careless I didn't give a fuck......there I am even swearing in this blog and I have tried to avoid that so far.....anyway....I realised why I wanted to be careless and that's because all day everyday I have to be focused and on top of things otherwise I will give to much away.....That is not on ....anyway so tonight was the first time that I have realised the full reality of the next year .......and I am hating it....I just want out...now......I wanna be free now....I don't know how I am gonna do this for so long....I just wish that I had some-one to say it will be alright, that's all, I always feel like I have to be the strong one...why, I don't know ....I think because people always turn to me when they have trouble ...I don't mind at all...but when I am in trouble who do I turn to....myself.......yeah I do that already...but sometimes.......it's not enough...
I hate feeling like, I am closed in by a situation and I can't escape.....(just so you know these are feeling's and I have already rationalised with myself and I know that I can do this and be fine....but I am still allowed to feel....) GGGOOOOODDDDDD......I am feeling so frustrated by my circumstances why what where ....ggggrrrr....I just wanna be there now and not have live through the next year.....I know there will be a hell of allot of positives ...my grandparents visit... H will be away for most of the next 6 months through work..... Sergio is coming back....Ivone ...Danielle...scrapbooking, art...my babies....holiday....I can do this and I know I can.....
You know I haven't cried for over four years....Even with all the shit that happened in my family 3 years ago ... I want to cry but I feel like I have forgotten and I don't know how or that if I start I won't be able to stop..... in a sense it makes me feel like I am cold hearted, but that's not it, I feel it all, my heart aches for other people's pain, I even get the tears in my eyes but I just can't cry..... whats wrong with me....I keep it all and only share little bits...I have serious trust issues I think....on one hand I tend to be to trusting in regards to talking about situations....but when it comes to talking about how I am feeling and my deep feelings....no way man I feel to exposed ....I don't want any-one using those against me, there mine.... I think I have two people who I can trust with my deepest thoughts and feelings and that's my brother....( cheers 2 u Serg) your a legend......and Ivone of course....(my angel in disguise)...but there both not here and won't be for months.....help....
Another problem is I keep wanting to have a drink....mmmmm...not a good sign...don't worry using self control here...lol.....the last thing I need is alcohol as an escape but it is definitely and I am being honest here ...becoming very tempting....but, all I have to do is think of the kids and yes that stops me short....so I am using you my poor little blog....and my new art and as always scrap booking as a healthy escape......
I wish............
I won't go there with that one....tooo personal....but yeah....
When will I have enough..... when will it be too much???????????????????????....where's my limit for this????????? when will I crack.....I wonder will I crack....again....is it possible to be that completely broken twice in your life and be able to bring yourself back, twice.....I did it the first time and it has made me who I am today but ........ again?????
I think my mind needs to rest I'm getting to thoughtful..... There is no need to be thinking this shit.....I guess this is a bad day.....lol.....oh well tomorrow will be better.....aaarrrggg the weekend....
*sigh*
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